The Best of the Worst

Another year has passed and the playoffs have yet again arrived – the time of the season where we become ecstatically ecstatic or sourly depressed. If you were a Browns, Lions, Bengals, Raiders, Rams, Seahawks, or Chiefs fan, I send my condolences. A year of ridicule at the innate ability for your teams to perform terribly must have been rough. I mean, these teams were just plain bad… But its alright, you guys get a high pick in the upcoming NFL draft (which by the way is considerably lacking studs compared to last year)! The following teams were the cream of the crop after the pasteurization of the good teams.

Detroit Blind Kittens (0-16): Congratulations! They came into this season with legitimately moderate hopes; solid Jon Kitna, Megatron, rookie Kevin Smith, and ex-Lion Roy Williams. Unfortunately this stud-loaded offense imploded via Jon Kitna’s season-ending injury and the absence of any form of defense did not help their case. Picking up old man Culpepper sure brought a new sense of hope for those few weeks, but in the end, 0-16 prevailed. The defense never gave the Lions offense a chance as it was last in the league against the run, giving up plentiful 172.1 yards per game on the ground and 31 rushing touchdowns. Against the pass it fared a bit better, giving up 232.3 yards per game and 25 touchdowns, while yanking only 4 interceptions the whole year. This team rightfully “achieved” the first 0-16 record ever.

Off-Season Needs: Defense, defense, defense. However, with the first overall pick, look for Detroit to get themselves a healthy serving of Matt Stafford, Sam Bradford or Andre Smith. A franchise quarterback is still a necessity for the Lions as Kitna is not getting any younger and a better offensive line never hurt anyone. Rebuilding for the next couple of seasons will be the top priority.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: There’s nowhere to go but up! 3-13? As opposed to conventional thinking, firing the head coach does not do wonders for team morale. Nor does attaining an 0-16 record. Then again, that could motivate the team… so let’s say 5-11.
*Spoiler Alert!* Detroit will do bad next year. Unless they pull off a Matt Ryan with Bradford or Stafford.

Saint Louis Rams (2-14): The Rams entered the season with high hopes from its fans. An absolutely rigged offense with big names like Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, and Steven Jackson obviously did not perform up to the level that their previous track records would have indicated. Glimpses of this offense appeared in the monumental wins over the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins earlier in the year. The offensive line proved to be the weakest link of the team as Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson had no time and no where to go with the ball due to the minimal protection. The Rams defense did not fair well either as they could not stop a High School B team, much less an NFL team. 29th against the run and 19th against the pass? Not exactly pretty.

Off-Season Needs: Offensive line and defense. Had they had a better offensive line, this team could have gone places, such as the playoffs. Andre Smith will be the man they take in the draft. Based off of individual talent, their offense seems to be above-par: Bulger is decent, Torry Holt and the rest of their WR corps is way too fast, and Steven Jackson is a beast. What more could you ask for?

Next Year’s Early Prediction: If the off-season bodes well for this team and they follow my instructions for what they need, the Rams could be looking at a healthy 6-10 (or more if their defense somehow gets better…) next year.

Kansas City Chiefs (2-14): KC started out the year with that one quarterback… Brodie Croyle? And then was it Damon Huard after Croyle got injured. Not that it really matters, as neither were fantasy-relevant in any aspect. Tyler Thigpen, the third-string quarterback phenomenon, came in a turned this awful team around into a less-awful team with his decent fantasy numbers. Thigpen helped to lead a legitimate offense that dominated the Denver Broncos in week four and nearly beat the San Diego Chargers if not for a failed two-point conversion attempt. Larry Johnson came into the year with substantially low expectations due to his unfortunate foot injury. In the fantasy world his stocks plummeted and he fell way beyond his normal niche in the first round. Tony Gonzalez proved why he is one of the best, if not the best tight end in the NFL, with his amazingly consistent performances on a weekly basis. Dwayne Bowe was quite the average wide receiver with a solid 1,000 yards and 7 touchdowns – not bad. Yet again, defense and an awful offensive line led to the abysmal season of this sub-par team.

Off-Season Needs: Defense and a legitimate offensive line. Perhaps Bradford or Stafford with that nifty third overall pick? Their messy posse of quarterbacks won’t be taking them to the playoffs anytime soon and to those who have a bromance with Tyler Thigpen: despite Thigpen’s heroic stand, he is still a third-string quarterback, not a franchise quarterback.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: Let’s go with 5-11, which is a reasonable prediction. Somewhat optimistic and an extremely uneducated guess, but reasonable. This defense is still young, so anything goes.

Seattle Beached Seawhales (4-12): My relatives in Seattle suffered a great deal this season. To all of those other Seahawk fans, my condolences. It must have been a rough year. There’s not much to say about this team. They had that wonderful pickup of Julius Jones, but he never performed, nor did he really ever get the chance. Maurice Morris was apparently better in the eyes of head coach Mike Holmgren, thus leading to what we fantasy footballers despise the most, a very odd time-share. Matt Hasselbeck was incredibly bad. The first three weeks of the season, he averaged 183 yards per game with only two touchdowns and three interceptions. During the week five contest he sustained an injury which threw away any remaining hope that Seahawk fans had left. Deion Branch and Bobby Engram never showed up due to injuries and the bad play of Hasselbeck. Engram compiled a meager 489 yards in the absence of the real Matt Hasselbeck. The defense was as effective as a beached whale giving up 259.3 passing yards per game.

Off-Season Needs: Defense, running back, and wide receiver. Defense never hurts the chances of a team having a winning season. The two-headed “monster” of Julius Jones and Maurice Morris could not muster any sort of offensive attack this season, so Seattle should look into getting at least a nice prospect for the future. A wide receiver could do wonders for Hasselbeck and his depleted wide receiving corps.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: 16-0. (In case my relatives somehow end up reading this article, a huge sense of optimism will be infused into their hearts. Morale booster for you Washington residents! It rains a ton up there, which is very depressing.) In reality I would stick them at possibly 6-8. If Hasselbeck decides to do better, I don’t see why not.

Cleveland Browns (4-12): Yet another tragic story of a high-caliber offense plummeting into a lifeless shriveled-up carcass. Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, Jamal Lewis, and Kellen Winslow were all fantasy studs of yesteryear and they became absolute trash. Perhaps they became too content with their paychecks and settled for a sub par performance rather than attempting to play well? Braylon Edwards dropped the most passes in the league, Jamal Lewis rounded up a meager 1,002 yards and four touchdowns and Derek Anderson threw for 1,615 yards thanks to his malfunctions. Altogether this team utterly broke down thanks to the individual “efforts” of these ex-star players. The defense did not fare well either – they ranked 28th against the run and a surprisingly decent 14th against the pass. Despite multitudinous of lackluster performances, the Browns managed to dominate the New York Giants in week nine. Absolutely amazing.

Off-Season Needs: Defense and a better coaching staff. Everything was clicking a year ago and they still have the talent. Their fall points a bit toward the coaching staff.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: Too early to tell for this volatile team, as evidenced by last year’s rise and subsequent ridiculous fall… Although, I do doubt them getting anywhere near the playoffs. So let’s go with 5-11. Brady Quinn looks pretty good, so who knows.

Cincinnati Bengals(4-11-1): Last year’s high-powered, high-caliber offense became this year’s bungle with Carson Palmer’s lack of performance and subsequent injury, and a severe lack of any run game. The absolutely average backup quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and the unknown whereabouts of any sort of defense also contributed. Their fantasy stars, Palmer, Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh fell into a deep rut of fantasy-irrelevance. Carson Palmer has not been able to fully return to glory since his awful knee injury during the ‘05 season and after sitting out another season with an elbow injury, it may take him even longer to regain and sharpen his game. Next year the Bengals will try for another awful record.

Off-Season Needs: Running back and defense. Cedric Benson is no franchise back, as seen by his stint in Chicago that resulted in horrid stats.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: 7-9. They’ll be decent next season, depending upon Carson Palmer’s status. Possibly 9-7 depending on the schedule.

Chicago Bears (9-6): Yes, their record was not as atrocious as these other teams, however as a Bears fan myself, I feel that I owe it to all those other Bears fans to voice our collective opinions of this incredibly terrible organization. First and foremost, their defense was absolutely atrocious. Sure they were fifth in the league against the run, but this was because they were 30th against the pass and thus teams did not have to bother running the ball. For a defense that was ranked in the top five only two years ago, these past two season have been absolutely ridiculous. The Bears have the same players as two years ago, and they still have the talent. All signs point to Bob Babich and his play-calling as the biggest problem, which is similar to the play calling of a five-year-old. Despite this obvious detriment to the team, the Bears organization refuses to fire him due to his friendly status with Lovie Smith, and instead fires almost every other defensive assistant coach. The hiring of Rod Marinelli brings hope to the team, much like the arrival of Obama to D.C. This is what Marinelli is capable of doing: while a defensive coordinator for the Buccaneers, the defensive line amassed 328.5 sacks, tops in the NFL during that time among defensive fronts. Tampa Bay ranked in the top-10 in total defense in each of Marinelli’s last nine seasons with the team. In 2002, the Buccaneers won the Super Bowl behind a defense that allowed the fewest points and yards in the league. This is the change the Bears needed.

Offensively, something is very wrong. Mostly it is a dysfunctional, bad play-calling by the amateur Ron Turner. For some reason, using Devin Hester to the fullest of his abilities is not a priority to Ron Turner. Despite being the fastest player on the video game Madden 2009 and the fastest on the Chicago Bears, Devin Hester hardly saw the ball. Matt Forte was the centerpiece and entire dining room table of the offense, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but as a rookie is it wise to use him as much as the Bears did? Kyle Orton was fantastic before his injury, but despite his fabulous play Jerry Angelo (and yours truly) believe that it is still necessary to attain a franchise quarterback – I felt this at least two years ago when Rex Grossman was faking his way into the Super Bowl, long before it was cool to dislike Orton or Grossman!

Off-Season Needs: Please fire Bob Babich and Ron Turner! Offensive line, QB, CB and FS. The Bears offensive line is old and lacks anything similar to a wall. If they’re going to invest in a quarterback, might as well keep him safe from sack-happy defensive linemen. CB: Nathan Vasher and Charles Tillman are pretty bad, the latter being really, really bad (i.e. 99-yard TD burn to Berrian). Time to make them work for their jobs. FS: Mike Brown can’t seem to stay healthy. I’ve been seeing on quite a few mock draft sites that the Bears will take DE Michael Johnson. Please, we have enough good DEs, they just weren’t coached by Rod Marinelli.

Next Year’s Early Prediction: I’ll get back to you. Depends on the quarterback.

My apologies in to all of you other fans who feel that they have been cheated out of this segment.

The Best of the Worst

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