Here's something I'm writing for a website. I clearly had a little too much time on my hands today. Thought somebody here might enjoy it.
1 "Admit you are powerless over fantasy football and your life is unmanageable."
Proper Response: Endlessly refreshing the StatTracker won't magically give your defense another sack.
Denial Response: Yes, my lineup is unmanageable. I need to trade Portis for a power back like Jamal Lewis.
2 "Believe that a power greater than you can restore your sanity."
Proper Response: You can not watch the games and still end up with the same score.
Denial Response: If there was a God, then Randy Moss' hamstring would heal before gametime on Sunday.
3 "Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God as you understand Him."
Proper Response: Take a good, honest look at yourself when you've picked up a Carolina running back for the fourth time this season.
Denial Response: Ask strangers on fantasy football message boards to tell you whether to start TJ Duckett or Tyrone Wheatley.
4 "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself."
Proper Response: My team sucks and I'm 3-6. OK, I can quit.
Denial Response: Wow, I do need more depth at TE.
5 "Admit to God, to yourself and another human being the exact nature of wrongs."
Proper Response: Apologize to the IT department for tying up the server looking for waiver wire pickups on Monday morning.
Denial Response: Making friends promise not to let you heed Hector and Victor's advice at ESPN.
6 "Be entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character."
Proper Response: Get ready to watch or play golf instead of fantasy football.
Denial Response: Pick your lineup by a series of coin flips or, worse yet, listening to Danny Sheridan.
7 "Humbly ask God to remove your shortcomings."
Proper Response: Isn't this really just an extension of Step 6?
Denial Response: Actually get down on your knees and pray for your opponents kicker to miss his 30-yard field goal attempt.
8 "Make a list of persons you have harmed and be willing to make amends to them all."
Proper Response: Apologize to girlfriends, children, bosses, co-workers, drinking buddies and all others who you've blown off while doing your "due diligence."
Denial Response: Send "I'm sorry I doubted you" e-mails to Ken Dilger, Drew Brees and Michael Pittman.
9 "Make direct amends to people to such people except when to do so would injure others."
Proper Response: Pledge to give up, but not til after the season so as not to damage the integrity of your league.
Denial Response: Don't tell Michael Vick that he sucks.
10 "Continue to take personal inventory and when you were wrong, promptly admit it."
Proper Response: Just like step 4, but now you're 3-7. Now you're REALLY going to quit.
Denial Response: Start trading any WR who didn't score a touchdown in the last two weeks.
11 "Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God, as you understand Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for use and the power to carry that out."
Proper Response: I can't even understand this step as written. Just do your best.
Denial Response: Ask God for the strength of character to finally give up on Jeff Garcia.
12 "Try to carry this message to those that still suffer. Practice these principles in all our affairs."
Proper Response: Don't be afraid to talk about "your problem." Admit to your mother that you screen her phone calls on Sunday afternoon & you've been home watching TV all the times she's called during the game.
Denial Response: Convince your opponent this week that fantasy football is useless and get a cheap W if he leaves his bye-week players in his starting lineup.
... in my opinion, of course - but that should always go without saying.
www.bigfellas.net (home of the golf rap "On The Green")