transcript from 1989 SNL skit:
The Referee Pitman Show
Rock Clark (Phil Hartman): Hello, everybody, and welcome to another edition of "The Referee Pitman Show". As always, we'll be taking questions and talking football with NFL referee Bill Pitman. Ref, welcome.
Referee Pitman (John Goodman): Thanks Rock.
Rock Clark: Okay, Ref, last week you called the Bills-Oilers game in Houston. Let's take a look at some highlights.
[ clips are shown of the Ref's erroneous calls ]
Okay, there you are making the call. There's an offsides, there's a defensive holding. . . and there's a too-many-men-on-the-field.
[return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Okay. As you can see, it was an exciting game, and there were some controversial calls. I understand, Ref, that you were hit by a bottle after the game?
Referee Pitman: Well. Yes, I was hit, Rock. It was, uh.. it was actually a jar.. I believe, sort of a pickle jar. Well, inside the jar was a fetus. It was a pig fetus, not a human fetus like the one in Philadelphia.. and fortunately it didn't shatter, like in Philadelphia.
Rock Clark: Well, you're a lucky man, Ref. Okay. Well, I know our fans and callers have plenty of questions for you, so let's get started. [ audience member raises hand ] Yes, sir, you have a question for the Ref?
Audience Member #1: Uh, yeah. It's great to be here, Ref. Um.. listen, I just wanted to know, um.. are you totally blind, or just legally blind.. uh.. so that, you know, you can make out shapes and degrees of light, you know, that kind of thing?
Referee Pitman: Well, actually.. I have 20/20 vision. I have mentioned this on the show before. I'm not blind, never have been. Thanks for your question.
Audience Member #1: Okay, thank you.
Rock Clark: Okay, next?
Audience Member #2: Uh, yes, I wanted to ask you about last Sunday's game.
Referee Pitman: Yes. Go ahead.
Audience Member #2: Yeah, I was just wondering, were you watching a different game while you were officiating? Like, on a little mini-TV, or something like that?
Referee Pitman: No, I wasn't. I was concentrating on the game I was officiating.
Audience Member #2: Oh, wow! You know, because it seemed like your calls were related to a game being played somewhere far away.
Rock Clark: That is interesting. Okay, who's next? [ audience member raises hand ] Yes?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, uh, hi, great show. I saw the last game, and I just want to know, do you find it helpful to keep your head up your rear end? I mean, why during the game? It seems that during the game you want to have your head, you know, out and in the open air so you can see the plays. I mean, is it comfortable, or is it for the warmth, or what?
Rock Clark: How about it, Ref? Your head inside your rear end?
Referee Pitman: [ thinking ] No. No, nope, never done that. I wouldn't even know how to go about it, it's an interesting position, but, uh.. nope.
Rock Clark: Okay, apparently not. But good question. Okay, Ref, let's look at one of the more controversial plays from Sunday.
[ clips are shown of more of Ref's erroneous calls ]
Here's the pass to Jeffries, he clearly fumbles to the other team, but the ball is ruled dead and the Oilers keep it. It seems as though you were retarded on that play, Ref.
[ return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Referee Pitman: Nnnnnooo.. I'm not retarded, Rock.
Rock Clark: Is there any history in your family of blackouts or hallucinations, or fits of dementia?
Referee Pitman: No. I'm fairly certain there isn't.. but I could research for you and get back to you.
Rock Clark: Good. Okay. Alright, let's go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ]
Audience Member #4: Uh, yeah, got a question about the Ref's brain.
Rock Clark: Yeah?
Audience Member #4: I was just curious - what's in your head, you know, since there's no brain? I mean, is it empty, or is it filled with, say, human excrement?
Rock Clark: I think I can handle that one, Ref. The Ref does have a brain, otherwise he wouldn't be able to conduct this interview right here. That's how I know. I mean, it's basic high school biology. So the excrement question is irrelevant.
Audience Member #4: Thank you!
Rock Clark: Okay, let's take some calls. Hello?
Caller #1: Hi, Ref? Um, when you're caught and banned from pro football, what do you plan to do for a living?
Referee Pitman: Well, I don't know what I'd be caught for, but when I retire I plan to spend more time with my children.
Caller #1: Oh. And, um, will you teach them deception and chicanery?
Referee Pitman: Mmmmmm.. nope. Nope, I won't.
Rock Clark: Okay. Another caller. Next question for the Ref.
Caller #2: Uh.. I'm an optometrist..
Rock Clark: Sorry! We covered that topic earlier! Okay, let's go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ] Yes, sir.
Audience Member #5: Hi. Great show, Ref. My boy and I were wondering what it's like for you to have no soul. And, also, what do you use to fill up your body where the soul would be? Now, is that human excrement, or dog excrement?
Referee Pitman: [ chuckles ] I wish I had a dime for every time I was asked that one!
Rock Clark: Okay! Do we have time for one more question? Okay, one more question.
[ earlier audience member stands again ] You have something else, sir?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, I just wanted to invite Referee Pitman to have sex with himself. Because that's something, you know, that, as far as I'm concerned, he can go and do.
Rock Clark: Good to know. We're out of time. Ref, this Sunday you're doing the Giants-Eagles game?
Referee Pitman: That's right, Rock.
Rock Clark: Good. And will there be any real refs at this game, in attendance?
Referee Pitman: Yes. Myself, and two others.
Rock Clark: Hard to believe. Okay. 'Til next week, this is Rock Clark saying, "Referee Pitman sucks!" Good night
Only 3 leagues this year. No sense in rooting for everyone in the NFL.