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Chili Anyone?

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Chili Anyone?

Postby black_hawk8888 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:04 pm

This is pretty good :-b

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge
at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to
the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they
saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look
HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given
me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those
rednecks!

________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch
hole in my stomach.
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Major props to the sig master. Deluxe is da man!
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Postby Flockers » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:14 pm

LMAO, that was funny as hell.

Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.


Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.


:-b
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Postby SwiperNoSwiping » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:16 pm

Yeah that was pretty dang funny there BH :-D
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Postby Sixxgunn » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:25 pm

OMG!!! My stomach hurts from trying not to laugh out loud at work, and there are actual TEARS coming from my eyes! That is one of the funniest damn things I have ever read!
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Postby Guttpuppy » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:45 pm

Got this in an e-mail 2 years ago. :-/

Still pretty funny though.
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Postby catch22 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:47 pm

Thats how we do it down here in Texas!!!!!!!!
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How 'bout them Cowboys!!!!
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Postby mtryanks12 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 5:02 pm

lol, their chili really is spicy though!
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Postby deluxe_247 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 5:45 pm

thats freakin hilarious...it had me rolling :-b :-D
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Postby houstonherdfan » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:18 pm

the only problem with this is:

No self respecting Texan would use Beans in their chilli. In fact, the BBQ cookoffs around here will disqualify you if you use beans in the chilli competition.

That said it was hilarious.
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
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Re: Chili Anyone?

Postby The Miner Part 2 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 8:34 pm

black_hawk8888 wrote:Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.


HAHA! ;-D
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