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The "what-if" Game...

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Postby Tiki » Tue Aug 09, 2005 12:05 am

I personally think your rushing into things, you've only known the kid for one year, I think you should longer and really get to know him. Then make your decision.
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Postby aussieboy » Tue Aug 09, 2005 12:33 am

Firstly, I think you've got a great heart for working in the field you do, and even considering bringing a troubled boy into your life.

Why this kid though? You surely see many many young people who are troubled and would love the opportunity to have a home. Why has this kid made you want to bring him into your life? As a med student, I understand that you would feel horrible if you didn't take this opportunity and something happened to him. The thing is though, you can't help everyone. It's impossible. I think it can be very dangerous if you start shouldering everyones problems. If you choose to adopt this person, what happens when you come across another kid in the same situation? Would you feel guilty about not adopting that kid too? I'm just trying to give you some important questions to think about.

Once again, I think you are a great person for even considering this. You have to remember though that this isnt the OC. Adopting this child will probably not be a smooth transition. Think about how you are going to discipline this child if need be? Are you going to be able to exert the same control over him that you can over your daughter? What if it doesn't work out? You can't just return him. My point is, is that this decision not only affects you but youre entire family. If you are at all hesitant about this I would choose not to adopt.

Good luck with your decision.
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Postby Warpigs » Tue Aug 09, 2005 7:06 am

I appreciate all the feedback so far. There's definitely a lot to digest, although I've considered most of these points already. The kid himself is a really good kid. You ask why him -- it's not that I plan on jumping on any kid in a situation like this one. In all the time I've been at the group home, I've worked with literally hundreds of kids -- many with limited to no family resources like this kid. Some with even less. There's just something about this one that makes him stand out for some reason.

I think the possibilities that he does something dangerous within the home is VERY slight, but obviously a father's first instincts are to protect.

However, this is a very tough question to pose to you guys in its entirety because I'm not going to be able to paint a solid picture of this kid as he really is since i have to watch confidentiality. I guess it's more of a gut feeling about this kid and watching him mature over the last year...
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Postby dream_017 » Tue Aug 09, 2005 8:31 am

You are in a very tough situation. I would first like to commend you for even thinking about doing this, and also putting in so much thought.

With that said and me looking from the outside and not knowing the whole situation, I would also feel some apprehension to doing this. I am the father of an 18 month old, I am not in at all the same field as you, but it would be hard to bring in another older child without knowing the effects it would have on our child. Again, I am not as close to the situation, but take a wait and see approach; you can always be there for him if he needs any type of help. I know it will not be the same for him to not have a parent, but a close friend/mentor/supporter can do just as good and keep him out of trouble and on the right path.

Like most of the others have said, trust your gut, only you can make the decision.

Good luck in what ever decision you make. ;-D
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Postby creamdoorthirtyniner » Tue Aug 09, 2005 11:37 am

[bold]Hastur wrote:[/bold]

Well, this isn't your ordinary "Look at what this schmuck did" or "Dick Clarke pooped his pants--here's the pics" thread...

When he was 5, his family quit on him. He has had 10 years to grow resentful of all 'parent' types. Right now, I think he's looking at you as a counceler, a 'big-brother' figure. His perception of you will ultimatly change once you adopt him. You will go from talking to him and guiding him through tough life-decisions to setting his curfew and telling him he's not allowed to go to X concert. All children(for all intents and purposes, I will refer to him as a child) seek limits and boundries, I understand this. But his dynamic with you will change.

I think it really depends on his family life before the abandonment. Was he already a fire-setter and rough-neck before his family left? Were they the low-income, welfare type(I don't wish to piss off anyone here with those questions. His surroundings while in the first 5 years of life determines his decision making abilities and resilency towards negative circumstances). For instance, were his bio parents smokers? Tatoo'd bikers? Or middle class types who just couldn't handle the mental stress of bringing up a teenager in this day and age? If the father figure was a hells angel who was in and out of jail and the mother who drank are two parents who would instill certain values and morals in this child as opposed to a white collar dad and stay at home mom. The situation, I know, is not this clear cut. His life before the abandonment I think is key.

If a problem comes up where you repremand him or dicipline him for something, he might not do something rash right away, but watch out when you and the missus leave for an evening.

I also would be nervous(the biggest understatment of the century) about having him and a 'new', unrelated 9 year old girl in the same house.

You, Warpig, do this for a living. I do not. I buy books. You councel troubled teens. Take what I advise with a grain of salt.

I wish you and your soon to be growing family the best.




Hit it right on the dot with the whole perception idea. The kid sees you as more a friend or a brother than a fatherly figure, and he may have trouble adjusting to the changes.

I also realize though that people have a real prejudice against him just because he ended up in your troubled teens group. Hell, it doesn't take much to find yourself buried in trouble, and it was a decision his parents made when he was 5 years old that dictated the rest of his life thus far. It wasn't exactly his fault things were played out as they were, but it was his fault with how he adapted to the situation and ran with it. The thing I would be most concerned with is his decision making skills...

Also, what crowd does he hang out with? More than likely he'll spend quite a bit of time hanging around with them, and that may mean allowing them into your house. Not only that, but they have a huge role on his influences.

In the end, the protective side of me says no, my heart says yes, but my gut says no. Too many questions concerning him too be able to fully trust that everything will be run smoothly. Are you willing to live with your decision for the rest of your life? That's the question that you should be thinking of more than anything. None of these what-ifs are half as important as that question.
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Postby Redskins Win » Tue Aug 09, 2005 1:28 pm

This is an amazing gesture WP. My concerns on this are: what would the other kids expect from you how would this decesion affect them? How does the kid feel about your proposed proposal?
Has your wife spent alone time with him?
I think given that he's 15, just a few years away from being out of the system, you should mentor him instead of try to be his parent. Be there for him, but I don't think adoption is the solution. Then again all I know is what I've read here from you. You are the ultimate judge, I know you know this. best of luck with whatever your course is.
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Postby Guru13 » Tue Aug 09, 2005 6:41 pm

im not gonna give you an opinion, because im........14, but i would like to hear what ends up happening, let us know.
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Postby creamdoorthirtyniner » Tue Aug 09, 2005 8:19 pm

That brought up a great point FFGuru, I didn't even realize it, but he's about my age. I know for a fact, that even though it would be better for him to be growing up in a stable environment, but it would be very awkward at first, and that father-son bond would never quite become what it's supposed to be.

If I were him, I'd be very willing to try to fit in, and grateful that you adopted me, but I would feel very weird and out of place. Almost like my life were a simulation-type affair. JMO. Hope you take him in, my hearts really pulling for him. What a great idea, even if you only consider it, and don't pull through. You've gained a million respect points from me. ;-D
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Postby Warpigs » Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:16 am

creamdoorthirtyniner wrote:That brought up a great point FFGuru, I didn't even realize it, but he's about my age. I know for a fact, that even though it would be better for him to be growing up in a stable environment, but it would be very awkward at first, and that father-son bond would never quite become what it's supposed to be.

If I were him, I'd be very willing to try to fit in, and grateful that you adopted me, but I would feel very weird and out of place. Almost like my life were a simulation-type affair. JMO. Hope you take him in, my hearts really pulling for him. What a great idea, even if you only consider it, and don't pull through. You've gained a million respect points from me. ;-D


Thanks. I appreciate it. I still don't know which way to go with this, but I really am thankful for everyone's feedback so far. I'll let you all know how it goes.
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Postby Guru13 » Wed Aug 10, 2005 10:35 am

creamdoorthirtyniner wrote:That brought up a great point FFGuru, I didn't even realize it, but he's about my age. I know for a fact, that even though it would be better for him to be growing up in a stable environment, but it would be very awkward at first, and that father-son bond would never quite become what it's supposed to be.

If I were him, I'd be very willing to try to fit in, and grateful that you adopted me, but I would feel very weird and out of place. Almost like my life were a simulation-type affair. JMO. Hope you take him in, my hearts really pulling for him. What a great idea, even if you only consider it, and don't pull through. You've gained a million respect points from me. ;-D

nicely put, i never thought of putting myself in that situation, considering i am too about the same age, i agree with creamdoor, if i were him, i would be very greateful, and be happy to join your family, but would fell a bit out of place at first,...but isnt that expected?
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