Fantasy Football Cafe Forum

by **houstonherdfan** » Wed May 31, 2006 7:19 am

knapplc wrote:

you missed some of it

Material Data Safety Sheet (MSDS)
Revised: 4/1/92

Hazardous Materials Information Systems
Material Safety Data Sheet: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
NOTE: Duplicate from "Favorites" Section of Jokes

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: Wo (Pronounced "Woe"; in primitive cultures -- "Woo Woo")
DISCOVERER: Adam
TYPE: Irrational Element
ATOMIC MASS: Generally accepted as 118
VARIATIONS: Isotopes identified with weights ranging from 95 to 300

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PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

A large number of allotropic forms have been observed
Transparency, hardness, color/shading vary within wide limits
The color exhibited by many specimens is a surface phenomenon
Most color variations are due to various types of strongly adhering powder
Some exposed surfaces may also be covered with painted film, lotions and/or creams
Thickness of all extracellular substances appear to increase with specimen's age
Caution: Exposed hair on some specimens may not be natural color
The boiling point for some is quite low, and may boil w/o apparent reason
Some specimens may also freeze without warning/reason, or at any moment
All varieties can melt, but only if given special and individualized treatment
Bitter if incorrectly used
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore
Yields to pressure applied to correct points
The vast majority of specimens do not age gracefully
Both stable and unstable unions have been described with the element man

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CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones
Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances
Seemingly unlimited quantities of expensive food can be absorbed
May explode spontaneously if left alone with the element man
Insoluble in most liquids; Wo absorbs many liquids without dissolving in them
Activity may greatly increase upon saturation in alcohol
Most powerful money-reducing agent known
Some specimens appear to react well to being wrapped in animal fur
Others bristle against any type of fur (warmth apparently not a factor)

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OCCURRENCE:

Abundant in nature and is found in both the free and combined states
Oftentimes found combined with the element Man
Many (as yet unexplained) regional differences in appearance and behavior

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COMMON USES:

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
Can be a great aid to relaxation
Useful as a tonic in the alleviation of suffering, sickness, and low spirits
Wide application in the arts and domestic sciences
Very efficacious cooking and cleaning agent

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TESTS:

Studies complicated by the fact that residual attraction is never satisfied
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
In general, they tend to explode spontaneously if in conflict with the element man
Turns green when placed beside better or more polished specimen

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HAZARDS:

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
Can be unstable and/or explosive
May be affected by phases of the moon, or nothing at all

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LOCAL/STATE/FEDERAL LAWS:

Illegal to own more than one specimen outright at a time
Disposal laws are complex and extremely costly
Some select specimens are acceptable for recycling

And never say I am not a equally opportunity poster

MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men

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Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
(Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other
elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the
malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.

Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

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