1) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3) Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
4) If it itches, it will be scratched.
5) If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn't want to hear.
6) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topics such as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8) Sundays equals sports. Period.
9) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
10) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11) You have enough clothes.
12) You have too many shoes.
13) Crying is blackmail.
14) Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
16) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar you know we check.
17) We're not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
18) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair--out of 30--would look good with your dress?
19) Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22) Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23) Check your oil.
24) Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
25) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take any quiz together.
26) It doesn't matter which quiz.
27) Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
28) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
29) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30) Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
31) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
32) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
33) Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
34) If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about having your boobs stared at.
35) Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
36) Men see in a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
37) Ditto melon.
38) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."