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A Maddening Turn of Events

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A Maddening Turn of Events

Postby no1cowboysfan » Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:53 pm

hey guys,

this is my latest article for my school's paper. I figure if anyone wants to read the insights into the mind of No1, now you can. If you don't, you should probably click on "General Talk," or proceed to a forum or website of your choice. Enjoy...

A Maddening Turn of Events

No1cowboysfan, Staff Writer

This season marks the ending of an important era in the National Football League.

I am speaking, of course, to the drastic changes being made on Monday Night Football.

Monday Night Football, the NFL's most popular game each week, is being moved from ABC to ESPN, beginning next year. But if Monday Night Football is supposed to be nationally broadcasted, why is it being moved to a cable channel?

Granted, most people nowadays have cable (unless they're Amish, living in a cave, or from Iowa), but the NFL should have made the extra effort to make this great tradition available to everyone.

The only reason why moving Monday Night Football makes any sense is to stop John Madden from commentating on it.

John Madden, for those who don't know, is the man who was once a coach for the Raiders and took his team to a Super Bowl, beginning the grand "tradition of excellence" the Raiders have based their franchise on. Somewhere along the way, he lost his mind, and started his new career in the broadcast booth.

To be fair, he might not be brain dead - he might have just been kidnapped and replaced by some maniacal robot programmed to praise Brett Favre, state the obvious and speak in clichés.

(Here's an example:) Al Michaels: "John, this upcoming bout between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys looks to be a fairly balanced matchup for both teams. Who do you think has the edge going into this one?"

John Madden: "Well, Al, it truly does seem to be a clash of the titans. Each team is going to want to knock this one out of the park, play some smash-mouth football and give 110 percent. Now if I'm Brett Favre, what I want to do tonight is score more points than the other team. In this kind of ball game, the team that scores the most points is going to win. By completing passes and running the ball well, Green Bay will be able to move the chains, and therefore be more likely to score points. Of course, Dallas' defense will try to stop Green Bay's offense. If Dallas is able to keep Green Bay from scoring more points than Dallas scores, they're likely going to win this one."

(Fast forward to halftime: Brett Favre is 6-of-21 passing with 3 interceptions.)

AM: "Favre goes back to pass, he's under heavy rush and Favre throws it! The receiver's triple-covered, and … yes, it's picked off by Terrence Newman! Again! John, why did Favre force the pass into triple coverage like that?"

JM: "Al, Brett Favre is a fierce competitor, and Brett Favre knows that Brett Favre can throw the ball to any place on the field that Brett Favre desires. Brett Favre threw the interception because the pass went farther downfield than a punt would have gone. Brett Favre just netted his team about 20-yards of extra field position. Brett Favre can do no wrong."

(Al Michaels searches http://www.monster.com for job listings.)

These rants cause many viewers to slowly lose their minds.

Of course, Madden's mindless babble is far superior to the "entertainment likings" of Joe Theismann, Mike Patrick and Paul Maguire, the ESPN Sunday Night Football crew. He's better than Dennis Miller, the cynical comedian who commentated for Monday Night Football before Madden. Miller wasn't that bad - it just would have helped if he knew anything about football.

Sometimes I wish I was the new NFL commissioner. I would set things right. Here are a few of my ideas:

No. one: Encourage ESPN to sign Al Michaels so he can keep announcing Monday Night Football - without John Madden.

No. two: Change the NFL's current overtime rules to the NCAA's overtime rules. Victory by coin flip is hardly exciting. Kick return, run play, run play, run play, run play, field goal. Whoopee.

No. three: Buy Jake Plummer a razor.

No. four: Encourage New England Patriots head coach Bill Belicheck to dress more like a well-respected three-time Super Bowl-winning strategist, and less like a disgruntled hobo.

With these changes, and more to come, I hope to clean up the NFL's image, and reaffirm football as our nation's true pastime.

It's what Brett Favre would want.
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'Cause I'm Cow ... Boy ... for life.
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Postby gogogadget » Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:59 pm

I wish my school newspaper was worth reading. Nice job ;-D
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Postby jayday » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:11 pm

Nice article, keep up the good work ;-D ...though you probably won't be winning the popular vote in Iowa anytime soon :-b
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Postby HskrPwr13 » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:16 pm

Good job. ;-D Just dont forget to put your name on it instead of no1cowboysfan before you turn it in.
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Postby Canadian Seahawk » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:35 pm

NICE!!!
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Postby no1cowboysfan » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:37 pm

HskrPwr13 wrote:Good job. ;-D Just dont forget to put your name on it instead of no1cowboysfan before you turn it in.


hahaha... its already in. i wouldn't want to tarnish my good name here with rough draft nonsense.

my rough drafts are terrible. :-P
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Postby WickedSmaat » Tue Jan 24, 2006 7:37 pm

jayday wrote:Nice article, keep up the good work ;-D ...though you probably won't be winning the popular vote in Iowa anytime soon :-b


I think if he would have said Montana, then I'd believe it a little more. Though Iowa is a bunch of fields. Good read ;-D
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Postby Atog » Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:53 pm

Would be 10x funnier if you added the words "if he was still alive today" at the end.
Then again, maybe I'm the only person who would find that funny.
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Postby Homeless » Tue Jan 24, 2006 9:33 pm

I love John Madden. The guy cracks me up everytime I listen to him or see him tearing into a turduckin (spelling?)

You cant hate John Madden, its un-American!

:,-(
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Postby knapplc » Tue Jan 24, 2006 11:27 pm

That's some good writing! You should consider a career in journalism if you enjoy doing that. Witty, interesting, well-written. Develop your voice and you could go places! ;-D
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