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"World's Funniest Joke"

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"World's Funniest Joke"

Postby knapplc » Thu Apr 13, 2006 6:17 pm

OK - so it's NOT the "world's funniest joke." But that was the title of the page I stole it and the "runners up" from.

Funniest Joke in the World (according to Yahoo! October 3, 2002):

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Runner Up:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
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Postby jayday » Thu Apr 13, 2006 7:13 pm

Those are pretty good knapp :-b

Here's a few I read the other day...

Beaver Hunter

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."




Fishing Trip

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit FISHY but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."




Smart Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it ! because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak ! both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him ! over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are ! you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"




Helicopter Ride

Morris and his wife Esther went to the State Fair every year, and every year Morris would say: "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied: "I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars....and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris Said:"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied: "Morris, that helicopter is 50 Dollars...And 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said" by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
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Postby SniperShot » Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:15 pm

Here's a football related one I received on Email not long ago::

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
>
>They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
>
>After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
>
>"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
>all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
>killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do
>you mean?"
>"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
>game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
>quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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Postby steelerfan513 » Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:08 pm

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.


ive heard this one before; absolutely hilarious.

a lot of those were really funny.
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Postby Popcynical » Fri Apr 14, 2006 12:58 am

SniperShot wrote:Here's a football related one I received on Email not long ago::

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
>
>They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
>
>After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
>
>"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
>all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
>killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do
>you mean?"
>"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
>game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
>quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


Hahah, very good.
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Postby houstonherdfan » Fri Apr 14, 2006 8:05 am

Here's one for those of you who remember the Exxon tanker Valdez incident.


How many Exxon Ship Captains does it take to run a tanker aground?



One and a fifth.
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Postby Omaha Red Sox » Fri Apr 14, 2006 9:13 am

Really good ones there. Really like Two Hunters, Golf, Monkey Baby, all of Jaydays, and Snipers is pretty funny too. ;-D
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Postby BrutallyHuge » Fri Apr 14, 2006 9:18 am

Omaha Red Sox wrote:Really good ones there. Really like Two Hunters, Golf, Monkey Baby, all of Jaydays, and Snipers is pretty funny too. ;-D


I like the monkey baby one.

It reminds me of the Family Guy quote of mistaken identity:
Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?
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Postby creamdoorthirtyniner » Fri Apr 14, 2006 9:19 am

JayDay's had me laughing harder than I think I ever had for a joke before. Those were great ;-D
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Postby PACKman1144 » Fri Apr 14, 2006 9:21 am

that hunting one and golf one are so dang funny :-b
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