Joke of the day

[Dan Lambskin]

Q: Your dog is barking at the back door, he wants in. Your wife is yelling at the front door, she's locked out and wants in. Who do you let in?

A: Your dog. He'll shut up when you let him in.

that one's a classic...and so true

[Redskins Win]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

OOHHH RAHH!!!!!

Nice one Capt.

[The_Captain]

Another one for you all.....

The Nun's Story

It got crowded in heaven so it was decided only to accept people who'd really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said: "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony - we live on the 25th floor - and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands."
"He fell but landed in some bushes. So I go the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was in a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.

"Well sir, it was awful," the second man said. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers. I landed in some bushes, but then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.
"Okay, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....."

[Omaha Red Sox]

Another good one Cap.

[The_Captain]

Another good one Cap.

It's sorta predictable but funny none-the-less......

[bearski1891]

i love it!

[A Fleshner Fantasy]

Lol I love the original joke on this thread.

[thatonepoorkid]

hahahahaha

[Popcynical]

My Girlfriend's (Sexier) Sister

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is.....
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Always keep your condoms in your car!

[The_Captain]

Let's keep this rolling.....

An angry man went into a flower store to complain that he had received a wrong delivery of flowers.

"It was the inauguration of my new office location today and you send me flowers with a note that read the words - 'Rest in peace'? That is so insulting to me and do you have anything to explain or make my day better?", the customer said.

The old man at the flower shop smiled and said "Well, I understand you are so angry for you got the flowers with the wrong note ! I am sorry about that but imagine this - there must a funeral going on somewhere out there…..".

He paused and said "....and there are flowers that have been delivered to the grave which read - 'Congratulations on your new location!'"