Roger Bradford, a janitor at the RCA Dome in Indianapolis who did not attend college, is rising up NFL mock draft boards after his performance at the NFL Scouting Combine last week.
“I don’t know who the hell this guy is, but his physical abilities are uncanny,” said NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper, Jr. “He’s got deceptive speed for a janitor, despite lacking ideal burst or the ability to mop up puke in less than 30 seconds.”
Bradford, 6-5, 245 pounds, projects as an extremely athletic weakside linebacker or undersized pass-rushing defensive end, even though nobody knows who the hell he even is.
“I don’t know if he’s ever played a down of football in his life,” said ESPN NFL analyst Len Pasquarelli. “But he’s probably worked his way into the latter half of the first round based on his bench press alone.”
Bradford first gained the attention of scouts in attendance when he picked up "at least a dozen folding chairs with one hand," according to one onlooker, and moved them out of the way of players who were undergoing position drills at the time. Minutes later, he was seen sprinting from one end of the RCA Dome to the other, reportedly to change a circuit breaker in the RCA electric room, and was timed at an incredible 4.26 in the 40-yard dash.
Bradford was then asked to participate in several drills, and when he bench pressed an incredible 68 reps, scouts began to take even more notice. After taking time out to fix a candy machine that wouldn't dispense a bag of Skittles, he returned to run a second 4.28 in the 40, which put him in select company as one of the fastest players in the combine since Deion Sanders.
“Actual football skill is overrated this day and age,” said an NFL general manager who asked to remain anonymous. “You find me a guy with sub-4.5 speed who can bench press 225 pounds at least 40 times and I’ll give him a $3 million signing bonus on the spot. I don’t give a shit if he’s a garbage man or a Subway sandwich artist – with those skills he can start at weakside linebacker or strong safety on my team tomorrow.”
Bradford later wowed scouts during position drill workouts when he performed a perfect round-off back handspring followed by three backflips after completing one of his rip drills.
”I don’t think he even knew what a rip drill was,” said Pasquarelli. “Nonetheless, the acrobatics at the end of that drill prove he has what it takes to succeed at the NFL level. The guy could give Nadia Comaneche a run for her money on the parallel bars, for Christ’s sake.”
Bradford’s workout didn’t stop with the athletic display of acrobatics, however. After crushing five footballs using nothing but his left thumb and index finger, Bradford tore the facemask off of six football helmets in less than 30 seconds using only his teeth.
"Yeah, Rog has been lifting heavy things like garbage cans and stuff for years," said another RCA janitor, Jerry Kamp. "I don't know what that has to do with football, but dang, he's strong. There ain't a better mopper on the planet, neither."
Bradford's display of strength and speed was topped only by the grace and agility he showed during a reenactment of a scene from the famous ballet “Giselle” several minutes later.
“That ballet act was incredible. It really displayed that Bradford has the quickness and agility to succeed at the pro level. I haven’t seen dancing like that since Nijinsky, or possibly Baryshnikov. Any linebacker who has the remarkable technical prowess to pull off a grands jetes has to be considered a top 10 selection," said ESPN's John Clayton.
"This ballet shit is news to me," said Kamp as he watched in awe. "But if you're looking for someone who can take care of a shit-clogged toilet in two minutes or less, Roger's your man. I know that for sure."
Bradford later defeated the World’s No. 1-ranked table tennis player, Liqin Wang of China, to display his hand-eye coordination.
“I really have no idea what hand-eye coordination has to do with tearing the head off of quarterbacks, but I was still impressed,” said one NFL coach in attendance.
"We've been playing ping pong and foosball in the back room for years," said Kamp. "We've also got a Playstation 2. Roger is really good at Madden Football, so he can probably, like, read offensive formations and stuff. Maybe not, I'm not really sure."
"We were considering either Mike Williams or Derrick Johnson with our No. 7 pick," said Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Tice. "But we may have to take a good long look at this Bradford character if he's still on the board when it's our turn to pick."
Scouts were also reportedly impressed with one of the field maintenance crew members in attendance. Larry Rivers, who claimed his football experience consists of playing catch with his father when he was a young boy, showed a rare combination of accuracy and velocity when throwing a ball back to drill instructors after one strayed off the playing field.
“The kid’s got an arm,” said Kiper. “He lacks the guile and determination of a first or second-rounder, but the raw talent is there. In the right system, he could grow into a serviceable backup signal-caller. If you’re white and you can throw a football, you can probably play quarterback in the NFL.”
From SportsGoons.com. Not much new stuff but very funny articles.