For the Seahawks' defense: A how-to book entitled, "Tackling Dummies ... for Dummies."
For Bill Belichick: A gift certificate to the menswear store where Mike Nolan and Jack Del Rio shop.
For Jeremy Shockey, Andrew Walter and Randy Moss: A dry-erase board and a whistle. If they're so darned creative, maybe they should stop whining and start writing up some offensive plays.
For LaDainian Tomlinson: An end-zone mail slot. He spends so much time there, he might as well sort through some bills.
For the Seahawks' offense: A Pro Bowl quarterback, two starting offensive linemen, and a dependable veteran receiver.
For Peyton Manning: A camel saddle, so he can finally get over the hump.
For Bill Parcells: A muzzle, custom fit for a certain wide receiver.
For Marty Schottenheimer and Tony Dungy: A trip to the AFC Championship game. That way, at least one of them will finally get to the Super Bowl.
For Chad Johnson: Spanish lessons.
For Dennis Green: A whole new cast of characters on his roster. Apparently, they weren't who he thought they were.
For the Seahawks' special teams: An offense that can give Josh Brown a few more chances to hit game-winners.
For the Vikings, Saints and Rams: Viagra, for improved staying power.
For the Panthers, Dolphins and 49ers: Spiked shoes, so they can get better traction out of the gates.
For Tyler Brayton: Anything but spiked shoes.
For Damon Huard: A chance to get the Chiefs back into the playoff hunt.
For Scott Linehan: A wallet chain, to keep him from throwing that red flag onto the field at crunch time.
For Shaun Alexander: A brand new version of the John Madden video game. This time, Brian Urlacher will be on the cover.
For Ben Roethlisberger: A book contract, from the same company that signed O.J. Simpson's deal. The first two installments are already in the works: "If I Didn't Cross the Goal Line," and, "If I Should Have Worn a Motorcycle Helmet."
For Joey Harrington, Steve McNair and Javon Walker: Thank-you cards. They need to show their gratitude for those who let them wander toward greener pastures.
For Curtis Martin, Priest Holmes, Marshall Faulk and Brett Favre: Fishing poles. And an artist to start working on the bronze bust.