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And now for something completely different...

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And now for something completely different...

Postby knapplc » Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:02 pm

Some pet jokes. I'm bored.

Funny Cat Jokes

Instructions on how to wash your toilet:

1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.
Animal Humor

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog


Famous Dog Quotes and Funny Dog Quotes

A dog is the only thing in the world that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

We give dogs the time we can spare, the space we can spare and the love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It is the best deal we have ever made.
- M. Acklam

Do not accept your dog's admiration as being conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

I wonder if other dogs think poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

The reason a dog has lots of friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
- Unknown

The average dog is a much nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Animal Humor

There is no psychiatrist to be found anywhere in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

Dogs love their friends but bite their enemies. That is quite unlike people. We are not capable of pure love and always mix love and hate.
- Sigmund Freud

Cats and women will do as they please. Dogs and men need to relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If your dog is too fat, you are not getting enough exercise
- Unknown

A child's dog teaches them fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Have you ever consider what your dog must think of you? I mean, you come home from the grocery with the most amazing stuff, pork, chicken, half a cow. They must think you're the greatest hunter on earth!
- Anne Tyler

Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones

My dog worries about the economy because Alpo now costs $3.00 a can. That's $21.00 in dog money!
- Joe Weinstein

If you think dogs don't know how to count, try this: Put three dog biscuits in your pocket and give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret

If you pick up a dog that is starving and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Dogs may not be our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras

You can say any dumb thing to a dog and the dog will look at you as if to say, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am.
- Unknown
House Rules for Dogs and Cats. Post them where they can be read by your pets.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
Funny Pet Jokes

The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food.

Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run.

A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.


To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't like their hair on your clothing, then stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is hairy, short, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.



Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:

1. Check out this hilarious animal humor. Eat less.

2. Usually come when called.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Don't ask for money all the time.

5. Don't drink or smoke.

6. Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

7. Never ask to drive the car.

8. Don't have to have the latest fashions.

9. Don't want to wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby josebach » Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:07 pm

Good stuff, Knapp. ;-D

Pets really are awesome. Here's a good article about the health benefits of having a pet.
http://stress.about.com/od/lowstresslif ... stress.htm
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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby beanoX3 » Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:23 pm

Cat hits winning lottery numbers for owner
(China Daily)
Updated: 2007-10-12 15:21

As the old Chinese saying goes, "Kindness often meets with good recompense."

And a Shenzhen resident surnamed Wang has been deeply convinced of that.

Wang, who adopted a homeless cat two months ago, bought a lottery ticket that won him a total of 3,271 yuan ($435). He has his cat to thank. Last week Wang brought his cat with him to buy a lottery ticket.

As Wang was about to buy the ticket, the frisky feline jumped out of his arms and onto the computer keyboard, accidentally choosing Wang's lottery numbers at random. Wang, who had complained that his cat had wasted his 10 yuan ($1.29) lottery ticket, was surprised to learn on Tuesday that his cat had actually chosen the winning numbers for him.

(New Commercial News)

Heard about this on the radio today. Nice little story. :-b
The cake is a lie.
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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby Popcynical » Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:53 pm

I wish I had a cat that did that!
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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby stomperrob » Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:59 pm

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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby stomperrob » Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:01 pm

Everything I Need to Know I Learned From My Dog
Author Unknown

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.



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Re: And now for something completely different...

Postby Nfl Fan » Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:45 am

knapplc wrote:Instructions on how to wash your toilet:

1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.
Animal Humor

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog


Finally got around to this thread and got a good chuckle out of it; and actually pictured my wife's Persian... :-b
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Yo, Met... thanks for the sig! GO DUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This NEVER gets old and neither does THIS!!
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