Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

[Jimboozie]

Lets post our good jokes here. Remember to keep them clean because this is the cafe.
One of my personal favorites that is always a crowd pleaser...


A man with no arms and legs was enjoying a warm summer day out on the beach front.
When a gorgeous women approached him, she said "Oh you poor thing! Have you ever hugged a girl in your life"?
The man replied "No...can't say I have".
"Would you like a hug?" she inquired.
"Sure!"
The woman hugged him and went on her way.

A few moments later, another beautiful lady approached him and said "I just saw that woman hug you...have you ever kissed a girl before?"
"No ma'am, I never have."
"Well, today is your lucky day then" said the babe while she leaned in a planted a wet one on his eager lips.
"Take care, honey" she giggled and returned to her group of friends.

The man sat there with a huge grin on his face and thought to himself "This is the best day of my life".

Not too long after, a wild looking sexy babe walked up and sat down beside the man.
She opened with "You seem to have a way with the ladies, have you ever been screwed before?"
The man was caught a bit off-guard and muttered "Um..no, I'm still a virgin".
"Would you like to be screwed?" she asked.
"You betcha!" the man gleefully replied.
She glanced towards the ocean and then back at him and said...
"Well, once that tide comes in, you're going to be screwed!"

[Jimboozie]

I found this one at another forum...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rang and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$260,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The MAN hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in astonishment.
Then the MAN asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Atog]

This is, more or less, my go-to joke.


So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

[josebach]

This is, more or less, my go-to joke.


So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

That reminds me. Did you hear about the new group D.A.M.?

Mothers Against Dyslexia

[Omaha Red Sox]

One from another joke thread we had last year.

Donkey Raffle

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas from Missouri and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."

The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Omaha Red Sox]

Here's a hilarious one from moon.

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new

BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a

Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the

window and asks the cowboy,



"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will

you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,



"Sure, Why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it

to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an

exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite

that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then

opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image

processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has

been processed and the data stored.



He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel

spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives

a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,



"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

cowboy.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as

the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man,



"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me

back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,



"Okay, why not?"



You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.



"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.



"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for

an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.

You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a

thing about cows...



Now give me back my dog."

[Omaha Red Sox]

A couple others from that thread...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it
was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER"
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, >'M
85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, "FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE
ENTIRE RIDEAND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCYMANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



















Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[Omaha Red Sox]

[Metroid]

This is, more or less, my go-to joke.


So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

That reminds me. Did you hear about the new group D.A.M.?

Mothers Against Dyslexia

That reminds me of a Family Guy episode where they drive by a hotel or hall or something and on the sign out front it says..."Tomorrow: Dyslexic Film Society Presents Chevy Chase in Feltch"

Oh and heres one for the kiddies...

Q: What did the ocean say to the shark?

A: He didn't say anything he just waved to him.



And one for the not kiddies...

A flasher walks up to 3 little old ladies sitting on a park bench and opens his trench coat. The first little old lady has a stroke, then the 2nd little old lady has a stroke and the 3rd....well she couldn't quite reach it.

[Art Vandelay]

What did the fish say when it ran into a cement wall?

Dam!