Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

[RiffRaff]

Couple of good ones I heard on my company trip to Glacier National Park Montana.

How do you castrate a Montana man? You kick his sister in the jaw.


Cowboy comes home and walks into his room and sees his wife blow drying her private parts. He says "What the hell are you doin?" She says "Heatin up your dinner."

too dirty, Was there Stuffing?

[Omaha Red Sox]

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Cowboys 4 life]

Girls Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margarita's went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Aaaaahahahaha! Thats a good one.

[knapplc]

Found a few quotes, thought some were funny, figured they should go here. No big deal. If you don't want to read them, that's OK.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu.
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
brb has lost all meaning... since when did brb mean "be back in 4 hours after lunch"
Bulimia: twice the taste, none of the calories
Cancel my subscription caused I'm over your issues!
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children
coffee just isn't my cup of tea
Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Don't drink water - fish have sex in it
Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together
For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything
Girls, n: They are said to be deadly & have been known to ruin lives with 4 simple words, "let's just be friends."
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY!
He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up i will just hit them all at once.
I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.
I didn't lose my virginity... I stalked it and then silently destroyed it.
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
I like my women the way i like my coffee; Ground up and in the freezer
I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving
I USE CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I WILL BECOME NOTICED, POPULAR, AND GOOD IN BED
I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later.
I was sad because I had no shoes, then I met a man with no feet so I skinned him and made him into loafers!
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what they're working on now.
If a man makes a statement in a forest, and there's no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
If I was ever playing hide-and-go-seek I would want Anne Frank on my team.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder of the third global superpower.
If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
If your name was homework, i'de be doing you on my desk right now
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual"
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
In a world full of women, you're the man!
ISRAEL PULLS OUT OF GAZA, GAZA NOT PREGNANT
It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Life is like an analogy.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality....
My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.
My testicles just dropped.....WITH A VENGENCE
putting the laughter back into manslaughter
Rehab is for quitters
Roses are red, Bullets are lead, you better love me, or i'll shoot you in the head
SARS: the "Mambo Number Five" of global epidemics.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
Shakespeare says: "Prose before hos."
So a baby seal walks into a club..
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
Sometimes I wake up moody; other times I let her sleep
Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
That's about as much fun as a game of Marco Polo with Helen Keller.
The 7 Habits of Highly Gulible People - #1. Buying books to tell you to work better and waste less time.
The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.
The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
The only person to invite you on a round-the-world trip would be the Flat Earth Society.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The Vending Machine Theory: "Stuff tastes better when it falls."
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...
This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?
You can't have "manslaughter" without "laughter"
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.
You're special. Like, wear-a-helmet-all-the-time special.

[treat24]

a lot of those were pretty hilarious

[Metroid]

a lot of those were pretty hilarious

Yeah they were....I liked this one.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

Sounds kinda like a Deep Thought from Jack Handy....awesome.

Hey nice sig treat.

[Guru13]

Those were pretty good.

Personally I like the Quote I had in my sig for awhile:

"some people are like slinkies, not really good for anything, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs."

[GoFaulkYourself]

Why don't women ever go skiing?







Because there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

[joelamosobadiah]

I love those Knapp. I spewed on the nun in the condom factory one.

[bobbing_headz]

Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

Black humor at its finest