Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke. - Fantasy Football Cafe 2014 Fantasy Football Cafe


Return to General Talk

Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Moderator: Football Moderators

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby bobbing_headz » Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:51 pm

knapplc wrote:I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


Took me a while to get this. :-D
Image
Less C*** More Rock
bobbing_headz
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterEagle EyeMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 5602
Joined: 22 Jul 2006
Home Cafe: Football
Location: North of the Border

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Guru13 » Wed Sep 10, 2008 9:54 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

:-D
Image
Guru13
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
CafeholicCafe WriterCafe RankerGraphics ExpertMock(ing) DrafterEagle Eye
Posts: 9206
Joined: 29 Nov 2004
Home Cafe: Football

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby stomperrob » Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:59 pm

**WARNING**

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton,' do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Image
Fantasy Football: "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"
stomperrob
Moderator
Moderator

User avatar
ModeratorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterCafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterEagle EyePick 3 ChampionMatchup Meltdown SurvivorLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 13579
(Past Year: 138)
Joined: 19 Mar 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Steeler Nation!!!

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:47 pm

stomperrob wrote:**WARNING**

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton,' do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.


bob and tom? :-b
Image
Thanks Chaoyi Shih for the sig.
scottaa1
Mod in Retirement
Mod in Retirement

User avatar
EditorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterMock(ing) DrafterGolden Eagle EyePick 3 Weekly WinnerMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 8540
(Past Year: 13)
Joined: 17 Oct 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Indy

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:24 am

Should children witness child birth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house
was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year old girl to
hold
a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver
the
baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
three-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......spank him again!'
Omaha Red Sox
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe Ranker
Posts: 12290
Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Probably over there

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby stomperrob » Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:11 pm

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:


NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3 : Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?



Number 1 And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:(Raising your head slowly) '...in Jesus' name, Amen
Image
Fantasy Football: "Luck is where preparation meets opportunity"
stomperrob
Moderator
Moderator

User avatar
ModeratorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterCafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterEagle EyePick 3 ChampionMatchup Meltdown SurvivorLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 13579
(Past Year: 138)
Joined: 19 Mar 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Steeler Nation!!!

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:20 am

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening Dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. .



Today you voted.'
Omaha Red Sox
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe Ranker
Posts: 12290
Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Probably over there

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby m16a » Tue Oct 21, 2008 9:03 am

Omaha Red Sox wrote:Today you voted.'



No matter how many times I hear that joke, that last line never ceases to make me die laughing :-b
Image
Props to Deluxe for the sig
There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
- Goethe
m16a
Moderator
Moderator

User avatar
ModeratorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterCafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterEagle EyeCafe MusketeerCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 5361
(Past Year: 37)
Joined: 22 Sep 2006
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Somewhere in PA

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:32 pm

m16a wrote:
Omaha Red Sox wrote:Today you voted.'



No matter how many times I hear that joke, that last line never ceases to make me die laughing :-b


<First time this guy heard it. :-B
Omaha Red Sox
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe Ranker
Posts: 12290
Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Probably over there

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby portisfan24 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 12:31 am

Two nurses in a hospital are giving a spongebath to a woman who had been in a coma for 10 years. As they washed her, they noticed subtle signs of life when they washed her, ahem, domnstairs. They noticed this again each day they gave the woman her bath, and finally brought it to the doctor's attention.

The next time the woman's husband came in to visit, the doctor told him of this strange occurence. The doctor recommended that, although unorthodox, perhaps some oral sex would wake her up. The husband was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed to give it a shot.

The nurses closed the curtain's around the woman's bed to give the couple some privacy, and the husband went in. After about a minute, the woman was flatlining and before the nurses could get there, the woman was dead.

"What happened?!?" they asked the man

"I don't know, maybe she choked"
Image
portisfan24
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
CafeholicCafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterInnovative MemberCafe MusketeerMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly WinnerLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 6196
Joined: 4 May 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Canada

PreviousNext

Return to General Talk

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests

Forums Articles & Tips Start & Sit Sleepers Rankings Leagues


Get Ready...
The 2014 NFL season kicks off in 16:07 hours
(and 37 days)
2014 NFL Schedule


  • Fantasy Football
  • Article Submissions
  • Privacy Statement
  • Site Survey 
  • Contact