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Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Dan Lambskin » Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:15 am

Q: why couldnt Motzart find his teacher?

A: Because he was Heiden
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby joejlitz » Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:54 pm

knapplc wrote:What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

That's the best. Reminds me of another one.

What do you call a male ladybug?
















A ladybug.
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:52 am

The Magician and the Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:22 am

^^ since we're telling John Fox jokes

A magician is on stage doing his act. He gets to the end and asks for a volunteer from the audience. He hands the guy a sledgehammer and says 'I want you to hit me in the head as hard as you can.' The magician puts his head down on an anvil and BAM! the guy hits him with the sledge.


36 months later the magician wakes up from a coma and says TA-DA!!!
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby houstonherdfan » Fri Jan 23, 2009 8:43 am

A photographer from a national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at a national park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:26 am

While fighting through a divorce, a woman falls in love with her divorce attorney. After the divorce was final she confided her feelings to him and asked "isn't there some way we could be together???"

Grabbing her by the shoulders the divorce attorney asked "dirty phone calls, snatched drinks in sleazy bars, sordid meetings in grimmy motels, is that what you want for us?"

"No, no" she sobbed.

"Well, it was just a suggestion."
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby joejlitz » Sun Jan 25, 2009 5:48 pm

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the.......... TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby biju » Fri Jan 30, 2009 3:34 pm

I saw this in a snopes.com article and it made me chuckle:

Why men are rarely published in Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Worried in Colorado
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby houstonherdfan » Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:42 pm

First Pay Check



Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond

formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some

construction workers that will make you believe

that we all can make a difference when we give

a child the gift of our time and conversation.



A young family moved into a house, next to a

vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began

to build a house on the empty lot. The young

family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an

interest in the goings-on and spent much of

each day observing the workers.



Eventually the construction crew, all of them

'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her

as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with

her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her

little jobs to do here and there to make her feel

important. At the end of the first week, they even

presented her with a pay envelope containing ten

dollars. The little girl took this home to her

mother who suggested that she take her ten

dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next

day to start a savings account.



When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the

teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl

how she had come by her very own pay check at

such a young age. The little girl proudly replied,

'I worked last week with a real construction crew

building the new house next door to us.'



'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will

you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those a$$holes at

Home Depot ever deliver the f****n' sheet rock.'
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
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Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby dream_017 » Thu Feb 05, 2009 4:44 pm

biju wrote:I saw this in a snopes.com article and it made me chuckle:

Why men are rarely published in Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,
Worried in Colorado

Knapp already posted this as him asking the question on page 14 ;-D
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