Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke. - Fantasy Football Cafe 2014 Fantasy Football Cafe


Return to General Talk

Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Moderator: Football Moderators

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby houstonherdfan » Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:42 pm

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good,
I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said,
"That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
houstonherdfan
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Sweet 16 SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly WinnerLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 5065
(Past Year: 5)
Joined: 10 Jul 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: The Center of the Universe

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby A Fleshner Fantasy » Mon Dec 28, 2009 12:31 pm

What's the difference between a car tire and 365 used condoms?









One's a goodyear and one's a great year!
Image

Thanks to abrunn for the awesome sig
A Fleshner Fantasy
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe RankerMock(ing) Drafter
Posts: 7746
Joined: 11 May 2006
Home Cafe: Football
Location: The Big House

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Wed Dec 30, 2009 11:56 pm

A man is on his deathbed. He says to his wife "after I'm gone, I want you to marry our neighbor, Phil."

His wife replies "Phil?!? But you've hated him your entire life."

"I still do."
Image
Thanks Chaoyi Shih for the sig.
scottaa1
Mod in Retirement
Mod in Retirement

User avatar
EditorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterMock(ing) DrafterGolden Eagle EyePick 3 Weekly WinnerMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 8540
(Past Year: 13)
Joined: 17 Oct 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Indy

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Fri Jan 01, 2010 8:57 am

You might be a redneck if.... you named your son Dale Jr., and your name isn't Dale.
Image
Thanks Chaoyi Shih for the sig.
scottaa1
Mod in Retirement
Mod in Retirement

User avatar
EditorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterMock(ing) DrafterGolden Eagle EyePick 3 Weekly WinnerMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 8540
(Past Year: 13)
Joined: 17 Oct 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Indy

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Fri Jan 01, 2010 7:40 pm

scottaa1 wrote:You might be a redneck if.... you named your son Dale Jr., and your name isn't Dale.


Did this really happen? :-b
Omaha Red Sox
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe Ranker
Posts: 12290
Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Probably over there

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby scottaa1 » Fri Jan 01, 2010 8:12 pm

Omaha Red Sox wrote:
scottaa1 wrote:You might be a redneck if.... you named your son Dale Jr., and your name isn't Dale.


Did this really happen? :-b


I dunno man. While i was playing drums on Rock Band (jammin some Detroit Rock City) I heard someone say that. I figured it's a Foxworthy joke. I thought it was funny :-)

You might be a redneck if... a beaver bit off your nipple. (bob and tom listeners will know that one)
Image
Thanks Chaoyi Shih for the sig.
scottaa1
Mod in Retirement
Mod in Retirement

User avatar
EditorCafeholicFantasy ExpertCafe WriterMock(ing) DrafterGolden Eagle EyePick 3 Weekly WinnerMatchup Meltdown SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly Winner
Posts: 8540
(Past Year: 13)
Joined: 17 Oct 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Indy

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby houstonherdfan » Tue Jan 19, 2010 12:11 pm

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from
nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.
When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims,
'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't
git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can
hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.
The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't
understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'


They both look at the devil in surprise
and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl'
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
houstonherdfan
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Sweet 16 SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly WinnerLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 5065
(Past Year: 5)
Joined: 10 Jul 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: The Center of the Universe

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby houstonherdfan » Tue Jan 19, 2010 12:13 pm

This fall Ole and Sven decided to go moose hunting. Well, Ole said they needed to get a female moose diguise so they could get close to a moose. Ole tells Sven that they will get into the disguise and Ole will use his moose call. When the moose gets close, Sven will unzip the moose disguise and shoot the moose.

So Ole gets the moose disguise and he and Sven head to their hunting area. They find a clearing that looks good and get into the disguise. Ole is in front with his moose call and Sven is in the back.

Ole begins using his moose call and because they are in rut a huge Bull Moose comes charging out of the brush into the clearning heading for Ole and Sven with only one thing on his mind. Ole tells Sven, "Hurry up, and shoot the moose!". Sven says, "I can't, the zipper is stuck and I can't get out! What should I do?'

Ole says to Sven, "I am going to pretend I am grazing. If I were you I would brace yourself."
You could think of government workers like teenagers. You pay them an allowance, but do you get any work out them? They eat the food, put their feet on the furniture and complain loudly whenever they are unhappy.
houstonherdfan
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Sweet 16 SurvivorCafe Blackjack Weekly WinnerLucky Ladders Weekly Winner
Posts: 5065
(Past Year: 5)
Joined: 10 Jul 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: The Center of the Universe

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby Omaha Red Sox » Thu Jan 28, 2010 3:01 pm

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come to this little field. They decided that this would be a good place to take a break and have lunch. They walked around looking for a nice spot when the came across this big hole in the ground. The talked among them selves and wondered how deep the hole was.
The first hunter looked around and found a small pebble and thought that if he counted the seconds between when he let it go and when they heard a sound, they would figure out how deep the hole was. They never heard a thing so decided to use a bigger rock. Still no sound. This time they found a very large rock and pushed it into the hole. They waited and again no sound.

They start looking around for something bigger to throw into the hole when they came a cross an engine block. They agreed that no matter how deep the hole is, they could not help but hear this when it hit the bottom. They tugged and pulled until they got the engine block to the edge and threw it in. All of a sudden they heard a commotion behind them and turned around to see a goat running full tilt straight at them. They moved out of the goats way and the goat jumped right into the hole.

A few minutes later a farmer came along and started calling "Here Lulu Bell" over and over. He finally asked the hunters if they had seen a goat around anywhere. They told the farmer that they did indeed see his goat and told him the goat had came running out of the woods and jumped into the deep hole.

The farmer said that there was no way the goat could even get to the hole as he had chained it to an engine block.
Omaha Red Sox
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Cafe Ranker
Posts: 12290
Joined: 29 Jun 2005
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Probably over there

Re: Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

Postby biju » Fri Jan 29, 2010 10:32 am

My father likes to send me jokes via email. Here's one of them:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job..

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles...."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Image
biju
Hall of Fame Hero
Hall of Fame Hero

User avatar
Fantasy ExpertCafe WriterCafe RankerMock(ing) DrafterSweet 16 Survivor
Posts: 5941
Joined: 6 Mar 2004
Home Cafe: Football
Location: Seattle - Ballard

PreviousNext

Return to General Talk

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

Forums Articles & Tips Start & Sit Sleepers Rankings Leagues


Get Ready...
The 2014 NFL season kicks off in 9:47 hours
(and 36 days)
2014 NFL Schedule


  • Fantasy Football
  • Article Submissions
  • Privacy Statement
  • Site Survey 
  • Contact