Need a joke...take a joke. Got a joke...leave a joke.

[RiffRaff]

Why is it that most Husbands die before their Wives?






























Because they want to.

[Venom]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a rubber tip at the end of that stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber tip at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the heck* up.'

*Cafe edit

[Jimboozie]

^nice one

What do you tell a women with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.

[TheRawDAWG]

This thread is awesome.

Ok so I'm from Canada and I have to tell you guys a Newfie if you don't know is kind of like.... a Redneck I guess. Good intentions, just not very bright. No thats not the joke....



So a Newfie moves with his family into the big city. He is really excited and needs to find a job real quick. He goes through some interviews and finally lands a job at Wal-Mart.

On his first day on the job the manager is trying to show him the ropes of how to sell merchandise. So the next person to walk in the manager goes up and asks him, ' what can I help you with today sir?'

The man says, ' I'm looking for some grass seed.'

The manager says with great enthusiasm, ' Well sir I have the best grass seed in the province right here. It grows in warm weather cold weather, rain, shine, or shade!'

The man says 'Great I'll take it!'

The manager says, That's great. Can I interest you in a lawnmower?'

The man says, ' Geez, I didn't even think about that. I guess I do need a lawnmower.'

Manager sends the customer on his way with the grass seed and the lawnmower. He then turns to the newfie and says proudly, ' That's how it's done. You sell the big stuff withthe little stuff. Understand?'

The newfie says, ' Oh yeah. I'll take the next one!!'

The newfie goes up to the next customer and says, ' Sir, how can I help you?!"

The man says sheepishly in a very low voice, ' I'm here to get some tampons for my wife.'

The newfie says, ' Sir, I have the best, thinnest, most absorbent tampons right over here.!!'

The man says, 'Ok, ok, not so loud. I'll take them.'

The newfie says, ' That's great!! And sir, can I interest you in a lawnmower??!!'

The man, obviously getting upset says back to the newfie, 'What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?!??!'

The newfie says, ' Well sir I figured since your weekend is shot you may as well mow the lawn!'

[Venom]

The Altar Boy


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her
reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I can not tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey
Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

[scottaa1]

A young man is traveling on business. He goes to the hotel bar for after dinner drinks and before long is in conversation with an older woman. She looks great for 50. After several drinks and lots of talk, the woman asks him if he's ever had a sportsman's double - a mother-daughter threesome. He replies no, he hasn't.

A few more drinks go by and the woman tells him it's his lucky night. They go back to her place where she opens the door, turns on the light to the upstairs and yells "Are you still awake, Mom?"

[Nfl Fan]

The Pope was excited to visit Oregon. He was cruising on a seldom used mountain road in the Pope-Mobile, when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless tree-hugger, wearing sandals, shorts, and a 'Bush Lied' T-shirt was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious tree-hugger from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off t he bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured tree-hugger in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I've heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off; one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that Guy?" ''It was the Pope", another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well", the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know crap about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up or do we need to go back to Eugene and grab another one?"

[A Fleshner Fantasy]

Two guys want to go out for a night of drinking but have only $2. So the first guy says to the other "just wait, I have an idea," and he goes to a local hot dog vendor and buys a hot dog for 50 cents.
The second guy says to him "what are you doing, now we only have $1.50 for drinks?!?!?!?"
"Just trust me," the first guy says as he walks into a bar, ordering a few drinks. Then, when the time came to pay his tab, the first guy puts the hot dog next to his crotch and tells the second guy to kneel down next to him and and lick the hot dog. The second he starts, the bartender kicks them out of the bar without even making the pay.
The guys gain confidence and do the same procedure at 5 more bars. When they are getting ready to do it once more, the second guy says "I can't kneel down anymore, my legs are so tired."
The first guy responds by saying "How do you think I feel? I lost the hot dog an hour ago!"

[Nfl Fan]

People were in their pews talking at church.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'

[houstonherdfan]

woman goes to a party gets a drink and starts looking around. She sees this nice looking guy and wants up to him and introduces herself she says, "

Hi I'm Carmen"

Thay start talking and he tells her, "thats a pretty name, is it your given name"

She says "not I game it to myself for the 2 things I like most Cars and Men."

Thay talk some more and she asks his name. He says "BJ Titsandbeer"