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Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Millhouse » Fri Nov 21, 2008 2:50 pm

Not sure if you guys have seen this column on Rotoworld, Man-Crush Index, it's up every Friday, usually pretty f'n funny...it's reached that "I keep refreshing to see if it's up yet" status, kinda like I used to do with the Sports Guy...mandatory "bathroom printout reading" for me anyway ;-D ...thought this was a funny bit on Rivers. People really do hate this guy.

FALLERS

Philip Rivers: Granted, it was against PIT but the high-flying SD passing offense hit the skids last week, and they now face #9 IND (189 YPG). Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Seriously, I've never seen a player more universally loathed by fans on message boards. Maybe it's that hateful punching bag face of his? Rivers looks like the kid in high school who took five-and-a-half years to graduate, knocked textbooks out of smaller kids' hands in the halls and did donuts in the student parking lot in his Nissan Maxima that had a "RIV MAN 17" vanity plate.


http://www.rotoworld.com/content/features/column.aspx?sport=NFL&columnid=216&articleid=31629
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Matthias » Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:37 pm

Yuk. Mark St. Amant writes like a 16-year-old punk.

This is seriously unfunny but Lamont thinks he's Eddie Murphy. Or at least The Sports Guy before he jumped the shark.

They say a tie is like kissing your sister. (My one reader who lives deep in the Ozarks just thought, "Wait. . . that's good, right?") No, Cletus, let go of your sister-aunt-wife and pay attention: NFL ties are bad. Very bad.

Most sports use tiebreakers that inevitably, you know, break ties. Extra innings, overtime, penalty shots. Even Field Target -- an outdoor air gun "sport" in England, Ireland and other parts of the U.K. where competitors shoot not at real animals (stand down, PETA) but at metal targets that look like animals -- has a system wherein if shooters are tied, they move targets either farther away or closer, or change target size, depending on how may shooters hit or miss. Or something. They probably just wing it anyway. After all, if a bunch of Irishmen are out in a field shooting guns, chances are they're also completely hammered.


Although I'm torn on whether the below is intentional or unintentional humor, given that the piece is entitled, "Sudden Death? Really?"
FALLERS

Sentences that include "Really? (Insert person/place/thing.) Really?": The statute of limitations has officially run out on using "Really?" to convey humorous disbelief, whether in print or spoken word. As in, "Matt Cassel threw for 400 yards against me and cost me a win. Matt Cassel? Really?" A few years from now, if someone you know still uses "Really?" in this manner, you should punch him in the solar plexus the way you'd assault someone today who still uses the Wayne's World "Not!" "Really" is the title of a J.J. Cale album. That's it.
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Millhouse » Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:54 pm

Matthias wrote:Yuk. Mark St. Amant writes like a 16-year-old punk.

This is seriously unfunny but Lamont thinks he's Eddie Murphy. Or at least The Sports Guy before he jumped the shark.

They say a tie is like kissing your sister. (My one reader who lives deep in the Ozarks just thought, "Wait. . . that's good, right?") No, Cletus, let go of your sister-aunt-wife and pay attention: NFL ties are bad. Very bad.

Most sports use tiebreakers that inevitably, you know, break ties. Extra innings, overtime, penalty shots. Even Field Target -- an outdoor air gun "sport" in England, Ireland and other parts of the U.K. where competitors shoot not at real animals (stand down, PETA) but at metal targets that look like animals -- has a system wherein if shooters are tied, they move targets either farther away or closer, or change target size, depending on how may shooters hit or miss. Or something. They probably just wing it anyway. After all, if a bunch of Irishmen are out in a field shooting guns, chances are they're also completely hammered.


Although I'm torn on whether the below is intentional or unintentional humor, given that the piece is entitled, "Sudden Death? Really?"
FALLERS

Sentences that include "Really? (Insert person/place/thing.) Really?": The statute of limitations has officially run out on using "Really?" to convey humorous disbelief, whether in print or spoken word. As in, "Matt Cassel threw for 400 yards against me and cost me a win. Matt Cassel? Really?" A few years from now, if someone you know still uses "Really?" in this manner, you should punch him in the solar plexus the way you'd assault someone today who still uses the Wayne's World "Not!" "Really" is the title of a J.J. Cale album. That's it.


I'm guessing intentional. :-b...hey, i'm not saying this guy's eddie murphy-meets-KC joyner or anything, but it's usually good for a laugh or two, and it always amuses me when people in the peanut gallery slam people who've had the balls an dmake the effort to put themselves out there. i know i'd never have the nuts to put myself in the public firing line, even if it for something small like fantasy football....plus, i'm a accountant so i can't write for sh*t anyway. ;)...would love to see some of your writing samples though, matthias! ;-D
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby The Lung » Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:10 am

Matthias, admit you're just biased against Amant because he advocates allowing all trades unless they're so lopsided as to suspect collusion. ;-) ;-D
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Matthias » Sun Nov 23, 2008 12:48 am

Millhouse wrote:I'm guessing intentional. :-b...hey, i'm not saying this guy's eddie murphy-meets-KC joyner or anything, but it's usually good for a laugh or two, and it always amuses me when people in the peanut gallery slam people who've had the balls an dmake the effort to put themselves out there. i know i'd never have the nuts to put myself in the public firing line, even if it for something small like fantasy football....plus, i'm a accountant so i can't write for sh*t anyway. ;)...would love to see some of your writing samples though, matthias! ;-D

I produced a version of the Onion my first year in law school which I don't have any electronic copies of any more, unfortunately, but it was levels better than Amant's crap. I've also written newspaper editorials for a daily circulation of 60,000 but can't find those floating around the ether just now, either.

@ The Lung: No, I'm biased against Amant because he's a terrible writer. If I had written that column I would've been proud of it at 16. Maybe.
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby TGM » Sun Nov 23, 2008 9:46 am

I've actually enjoyed reading Mark St. Amant's columns this season. He definitely has a different style of writing. I guess you either like him or you don't.
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Millhouse » Mon Nov 24, 2008 8:51 am

Matthias wrote:
Millhouse wrote:I'm guessing intentional. :-b...hey, i'm not saying this guy's eddie murphy-meets-KC joyner or anything, but it's usually good for a laugh or two, and it always amuses me when people in the peanut gallery slam people who've had the balls an dmake the effort to put themselves out there. i know i'd never have the nuts to put myself in the public firing line, even if it for something small like fantasy football....plus, i'm a accountant so i can't write for sh*t anyway. ;)...would love to see some of your writing samples though, matthias! ;-D

I produced a version of the Onion my first year in law school which I don't have any electronic copies of any more, unfortunately, but it was levels better than Amant's crap. I've also written newspaper editorials for a daily circulation of 60,000 but can't find those floating around the ether just now, either.


***mod edit***
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Millhouse » Sat Nov 29, 2008 9:06 am

whether you like st.amant or not, i think we can all agree that it's long overdue that someone slammed this guy... ;-D

(from his "Fallers" section)

That guy in the UPS commercials: I'm using what little energy I have left to devise plots to kidnap that "UPS whiteboard magic marker sweater vest" guy and shave off his Scott Stapp-meets-Prince Valiant hairdo. Is it possible for a haircut to be smug? It is now. Guarantee you, after the cameras turn off, he reverentially un-snaps it Fisher Price-style, heads to his dressing room, puts on "With Arms Wide Open," and makes sweet, sweeeet love to his heroic, flowing mane. And, afterward, curls up and cries.

and this was another good bit on lendale from his "Risers"..

LenDale White: I got countless "I'm benching FatDale out of spite!" emails leading up to today, and to each one I said: please, I beg of you, don't. You or I could waltz out of the stands onto Ford Field at halftime and, wearing nothing but ski boots and a multi-colored propeller beanie, rush for 100-plus yards against the Lions. And as the Titans rest rook Chris Johnson a bit more down the stretch to prep for the real playoffs, and face cupcakes CLE and @HOU before a Week 16 tilt against PIT, we'll see even more of LenDale than we already can from space without even having to use a Hubble telescope.

what "16 year old punk" is going to make a hubble telescope reference? :-)

http://www.rotoworld.com/content/featur ... leid=31677
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Matthias » Sat Nov 29, 2008 10:40 am

Look Mark, I mean "Millhouse", I appreciate that you need traffic at your, I mean "St. Amant's" blog, but please stop spamming here with it. Or at least get involved with some other aspect of the Cafe as well.

As far as the parts you put up:
1) Hubble Telescope is not out of the cultural language of someone who is 16; throw in a reference to a Fibonacci Sequence or the debate over string theory and then we can talk. FWIW, though, it would not be, "a Hubble telescope" but rather, "the Hubble telescope"; this isn't a Model T Ford that just keeps rolling off of the assembly line. There's one of them. It would be like saying, "go jump off of an Empire State Building".... people understand you, but it's either a very weird construction of language or shows ignorance on Amant's part on how many exist. It's the difference between a definite and an indefinite article; maybe he hasn't gotten that far in high school english yet. ;-)
2) I actually like the UPS guy. You speak of respecting people who put themselves out there; he's not an actor; he's the creative director who pitched the campaign to UPS. They tried to find an actor but no-one could do his part as well as he could, so he's the guy on camera. Personally, I also like the clever, low-tech nature of the ads.
3) Template for a Mark St. Amant column based off of the limited things I've seen posted here at the Cafe:
* Take a person.
* Ridicule that person.
* Ridicule that person for things that exist only in your head.
* Finish with some smug, aren't-we-better-than-that-person-that-exists-in-my-head closure.

We'll apply the above template to say ridiculing Mark St. Amant.

Mark St. Amant; who decided to publish that guy? Somehow, amongst all the people writing about sports on and off the web, Rotoworld decided to give a column to him? What is this: some sort of assisted employment for the mentally challenged? Mark St. Amant finished his 6-month turn bagging my lunch at Burger King and somehow, "sports fantasy writer at Rotoworld" showed up as the next available opening. But at least the internet publishing gives him a veneer of respectability: no-one would be taking his advice if they got it written up in the original Crayola. But the production meetings are tough sometimes: "Mark? Mark? MARK!! We don't eat our markers!" "MMMmmmmm..... strawberry! Lendale White fat! I just make number two!!! Want to see? Smell my finger! UPS guy funny hair!!!" Times are tough with firejoemorgan going down, but we can still rely on Baseball Prospectus for some real analysis (of baseball) or KissingSuzyKolber for some sports humor until this whole Amant assisted employment finally comes to a close. Heck, even hearing about Peter King's lattes is at least somewhat informative.
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Re: Rotoworld Man-Crush column: Good Philip Rivers bit..

Postby Millhouse » Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:01 pm

Matthias wrote:Look Mark, I mean "Millhouse", I appreciate that you need traffic at your, I mean "St. Amant's" blog, but please stop spamming here with it. Or at least get involved with some other aspect of the Cafe as well.

As far as the parts you put up:
1) Hubble Telescope is not out of the cultural language of someone who is 16; throw in a reference to a Fibonacci Sequence or the debate over string theory and then we can talk. FWIW, though, it would not be, "a Hubble telescope" but rather, "the Hubble telescope"; this isn't a Model T Ford that just keeps rolling off of the assembly line. There's one of them. It would be like saying, "go jump off of an Empire State Building".... people understand you, but it's either a very weird construction of language or shows ignorance on Amant's part on how many exist. It's the difference between a definite and an indefinite article; maybe he hasn't gotten that far in high school english yet. ;-)
2) I actually like the UPS guy. You speak of respecting people who put themselves out there; he's not an actor; he's the creative director who pitched the campaign to UPS. They tried to find an actor but no-one could do his part as well as he could, so he's the guy on camera. Personally, I also like the clever, low-tech nature of the ads.
3) Template for a Mark St. Amant column based off of the limited things I've seen posted here at the Cafe:
* Take a person.
* Ridicule that person.
* Ridicule that person for things that exist only in your head.
* Finish with some smug, aren't-we-better-than-that-person-that-exists-in-my-head closure.

We'll apply the above template to say ridiculing Mark St. Amant.

Mark St. Amant; who decided to publish that guy? Somehow, amongst all the people writing about sports on and off the web, Rotoworld decided to give a column to him? What is this: some sort of assisted employment for the mentally challenged? Mark St. Amant finished his 6-month turn bagging my lunch at Burger King and somehow, "sports fantasy writer at Rotoworld" showed up as the next available opening. But at least the internet publishing gives him a veneer of respectability: no-one would be taking his advice if they got it written up in the original Crayola. But the production meetings are tough sometimes: "Mark? Mark? MARK!! We don't eat our markers!" "MMMmmmmm..... strawberry! Lendale White fat! I just make number two!!! Want to see? Smell my finger! UPS guy funny hair!!!" Times are tough with firejoemorgan going down, but we can still rely on Baseball Prospectus for some real analysis (of baseball) or KissingSuzyKolber for some sports humor until this whole Amant assisted employment finally comes to a close. Heck, even hearing about Peter King's lattes is at least somewhat informative.


:-D love that you played the "you must be him and a secret spammer if you're writing positive things about him that i disagree with" card. i've been a part of the cafe, just mostly in baseball, not so much football posting (more of a roto baseball guy than fantasy football guy). and i'm a CPA in philly and last i checked, haven't ever written professionally, but i somehow doubt that a guy who has two books under his belt (i've read/liked them which is why i'm maybe an overly enthusiastic fan) has to post here to generate readership. clearly, you have that "it's not enough that i succeed, but that everyone else must fail" kind of happiness. i happen to think the guy is funny and thought others here might, too...you don't, and he offends your delicate, clearly professional literary sensibilities, end of story.

edit to add that while we obviously disagree, your post above honestly made me laugh (in a good way). very funny take on his writing, even if i don't agree with it. ;-D
Last edited by Millhouse on Sat Nov 29, 2008 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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