Background : 10-4 ( 2nd in wins 1st in points) going into the MNGame semifinal down 9.1 points with Westy to go (1/2ppr),lost by 0.9
so to numb the pain of my crushing defeat yesterday I'm pointing fingers and giving awards!
For legal and other purposes explanation of the abbreviations used in this article:
FU = Football Underachievers ,not to be confused with the more popular saying!
AHs= Angry Homeslices
Dorkey= missed typo on the name of a very fine young man called Ken.
So here I go:
1.FU Dick Jauron
You are so pathetic your parents didn't bother to name you Richard! You are up against the Jets,in their own house ready to wrap up an upset win(putting the Pats in their righteous 1st place in process btw) inside of the last 2 minutes! You give the ball to Marshawn 3 times he gets you 11 yards(1.1 fp) and a first down and everyone goes home happy(except of course for those NYJ fans what bunch of AHs* they are).
But wait you decide to pass instead?! With a QB who has 2TDs to go with 5int/3fmb,and is so bad you are ready to replace him with a guy named Gibran Hamdan?! WTF were you thinking! You deserve a FU award!
2.FU Cleveland Browns!
Your whole organization is so pathetic they should move you to Baltimore again! Stop your crying about how hurt your team was all year and start playing.Here is a suggestion you make some phone calls to people who live in Cleveland and you come up with:
Fausto Carmona and Cliff Lee- much better trowing options!
Grady Sizemore - unlike Braylon Edwards he can actually CATCH the ball!
Zydrunas Ilgauskas- he can block and create a hole for your horrible RBs to run trough
With a much improved team you make a game of it and force the Eagles to keep Westbrook and the other starters in a little bit longer then the 2nd quarter,but no you stuck with Dorkey and now you are stuck with an FU award!
You guys are an embarrassment!You got absolutely destroyed and created a madness in Minnesota making people think that Tarvaris Jackson can be a superstar!Thanks to you thousand of kids in the land of 1000 lakes will be crying themselves to sleep,when reality strikes and the find out Jackson actually sucks!Years of counseling,broken dreams etc etc you get the picture...
And then,and then you decide to pick on the little guy!Well we are the big bad Cardinals Defense,so will go ahead and beat on the Longwell,by blocking his FGA?!Shame on you!
You cost me kicker points and you deserve a FU award
And the fourth and final award goes to:
4.FU The owner of this article
It was your first year playing fantasy football.You did some reading came up with some rules.One of them was kickers.They are unpredictable,so pick one that doesn't suck and as long they are not to play in a blizzard stick with them.So you got Jason Elam and only looked to see if he will be playing or not week after week ,win after win.
Then week 15 came along and you were fighting to go to your league final game.You knew that was your last obstacle-your opponent in the final would have some horrible matchups,yours would be the ones a fantasy owner dreams of and you were going to crash him.It was there for you to take and you could see yourself crowned as the champion,waving at the millions gathered at your championship parade down Las Vegas Blvd,your face gracing the cover of ESPN The Magazine,you looking nice reading the "Top 10 reasons you won your League" on David Letterman.
So you looked around saw Longwell playing ARI and put him in.
Longwell 4 Elam 7
You 104.2 Villain 105.1
The money,the women,the parties,the VIP treatment all gone!
All you get is this stupid FU award!Congratulations and better luck next year!
PS. NFL please, please,pretty please take away 1 sack of the Titans D/ST score I really want to win!