Reuters - 11 Oct. 2009
Area farmer Robert C. Hamberlain is baffled - 20,000 sheep have been born on his farm. Why is that out of the ordinary? He owns no rams to impregnate the females. Reuters News Service sent correspondent Ivana Putoutski to the scene for this report:Ivana wrote:Upon arriving at the Hamberlain farm I was struck by the massive presence of ducks - ducks of all breeds, flying, swimming, buggering each other - each painted a bright shade of green. The house, the barn, the fences, all were painted the same green color. I decided to ask if this was some sort of fertility tactic. Shortly, I saw the massive herd of sheep, again all painted green. At this point Mr. Hamberlain arrived, driving a golf cart similarly painted in green with a giant bill on the front and tail feathers in vibrant yellow plummage off the back.
Ivana: Hello, and thank you for your time.
Robert: Hey no problem. I love your green eyes.
Ivana: Thank you.
Robert: In fact, one could say I'm green with envy *snickers*
Ivana: Thank you. Mr. Hamberlain -
Robert: Please, call me Metroid
Ivana: Fine, Metroid - I'm here to ask about the mysterious birth of 20,000 sheep on your farm... a farm that has no male animals to mate with.
Metroid: I know, right?? How weird is that? *shifty eyes*
Ivana: Is it possible an animal, from another farm perhaps, found its way into your pasture?
Metroid: Nope. I urinate into empty beer bottles and pour it around the property, makes them know I'm the alpha male in these parts.
Ivana: I see.
Metroid: And no DNA testing needs to be done. None at all.
Ivana: I can't help but notice a slight... resemblance... in the newborn sheep.
Metroid: Yeah, my kids are cute, right?
Ivana: I thought 'kids' were baby goats?
Metroid: They would be if they were mine, sure, whatever.
Ivana: In fact, the baby sheep all look a little like... you.
Metroid: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Ivana: Indeed. What's with all the green? The sheep, the structures, the ducks?
Metroid: I know, right!! Here, have a duck. I call this one Blount. He's a bad wittle duck! He's a punchy little sucker.
Ivana: Thank you, no. Getting back to the sheep...
Metroid: Don't believe a word those sheep say to you.
Ivana: They can talk?
Metroid: If those sheep could talk, I'd sure be in alot of trouble!
Ivana: I see. So do you have any explanation for this explosion of sheep that look so much like you?
Metroid: Let's just say it's cold and lonely at night here. And sheep are so warm. You know, all that wool and such.
Ivana: Are you implying beastiality? are you implying fornication with the animals?
Metroid: I wish! But the ducks are so hard to catch.
Ivana: I meant the sheep, actually. They all have your cropped hair, sideburns, and they bleat with a lisp.
Metroid: Sounds like coincidence to me.
Ivana: twenty thousand coincidences? That seems somewhat improbable.
(a female sheep suddenly rears up and runs at Ivana, chasing her away from Metroid. Ivana kicks at the sheep in defense)
Metroid: HEY! THAT'S MY BABIES MAMA! (holding the sheep's head on his shoulder) Is ok, baby, she means nothing to me. Now go freshen up, I'll be in to see you later.
Ivana: Well.. I think I've done all I can here.
Metroid: Not at all... do you have any experience putting farm animals in a headlock, and can you keep a secret?
20,000 posts for Metroid... Keep 'em coming buddy. Congrats!!