How about these 10 from Emo Phillips:
1. Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
2. Probably ... the toughest time ... in anyone's life ... is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
3. When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...
4. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
5. Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
6. You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.
7. Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"
8. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
9. People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
10. ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"