WONDERFUL news for America's idiots: Soon you'll be able to join your own organization, the National Union of Idiots (NUI), and finally get some clout in this country!
"Affirmative action, that's what this is all about," declares union organizer and self-declared idiot Wilson Baxtor. "For too long this minority group has been maligned and scorned by society. Soon, 50 million strong, we will be bigger and have more power than the National Rifle Association and the Teamsters combined."
To join the NUI, all applicants have to do is fail a number of simple tests.
One test is to screw up a simple fast-food order like "Two cheeseburgers, two medium fries and a banana shake."
Another is to prove you can drive like an idiot on a busy highway, and a third question reads: "Which country should the U.S. nuke: Iran, Syria or Andorra?"
If you choose Andorra, you're in.
Asked whether it wouldn't simply be easier to give prospective members an IQ test, Baxtor admits, "I never really thought of that."
Plus the bonehead bigwig insists there's more to being an idiot than simply having a substandard IQ. Despite their Ph.Ds, the rocket scientists who got feet mixed up with meters, causing a Mars-bound space probe to blow up, were "probably highly functional idiots," Baxtor says.
Baxtor bristles when he hears the term "idiot" used interchangeably with "cretin," "moron" and "retard," noting that each has a very distinct meaning -- although when pressed, he could not explain the difference.
"Being an idiot is a mindset, it's a unique way of looking at the world," Baxtor maintains. "And unfortunately, it's a mindset that has been excluded from our society far too long."
The NUI will change all that, he vows, claiming that the organization already has 1,300 members nationwide -- and that its ranks are swelling every day.
"We plan to take our place in government and demand equal opportunity for employment in federal agencies like the IRS, Immigration and the post office, as well as the armed services," says Baxtor, a 39-year-old D.C. resident whose day job is delivering newspapers by bicycle.
Like other giant labor organizations such as the AFL-CIO, the NUI intends to use its influence to affect major legislation on Capitol Hill. Among the items on its agenda:
Funding the teaching of Latin to every schoolchild in the U.S. to "help improve relations with our neighbors in Latin America."
Building a bridge to connect the United States to Europe, allowing "tourists who are afraid of flying to drive."
Banning "third-hand smoking" in public.
Declaring war on Ireland to "liberate the downtrodden leprechauns."
Some Washington insiders insist that no union is necessary because idiots are already over- represented in government.
"From what I've observed, at least 70 percent of federal employees are card-carrying idiots and that goes right up to the Cabinet level," says a Capitol Hill source.
"This is a union without a purpose. It sounds like the organizers are, well, a bunch of idiots."