By Pete O'Brien-USAToday
Make no mistake. I love the old school non-celebrations of Jim Brown, Barry Sanders and, in today's world, Marvin Harrison and Rudi Johnson. The "of-course-I scored,-I just-can't-believe-it-took-me-so-long" nonchalance is smooth, cool and timeless. If you want, throw in a subtle wink to your girlfriend. That's fine too.
But I came to accept long ago that the NFL is a clown factory. The desperately needy will prostitute themselves to no end. So my disappointment with Joe Horn's cell phone celebration was not that it was yet another me-first display in the ultimate team game, it was because it was boring, stupid and awkward.
If Horn is looking to make a big splash, he needs to throw out the script and get a new writer. Hey, wait. I occasionally do the writing thing. And I'm truly creative compared most NFL melon heads.
So here are my ideas for some truly bedazzling end-zone entertainment.
The Extra! Extra!: It requires some investment beforehand, which is good, because that will weed out the fools who know they only have a slight chance of scoring. Dress up a 10-year-old as a 1920's paperboy and plant him in the first row behind the end zone. Upon scoring, run over and give the kid a nickel for a pre-printed newspaper with a huge "Extra! Extra! (Insert name) Scores Touchdown!" headline. Show it off to the cameras and have the kid distribute the remaining copies in the stands. Remember, it's all about giving back to the fans.
The Christopher Columbus: If you're going to use a prop, at least make it a cool visual. After hitting pay dirt, go uncover a large team flag you've hidden and plant it in the end zone. Take off your helmet and place one foot on it while holding onto the flag. This will give you that sweet, classic pose. This celebration is especially good for teams like the Cardinals and Lions, because for them scoring a TD truly would be like discovering a new world.
The Camelot: Reserved exclusively for the Clinton Portis types. If a fifth sixer is achieved in a single game, the player qualifies for knighthood. The honoree should take one knee with head bowed and offer the football to the quarterback with both hands — elbows in, palms up. The QB would then take the football, majestically touch both of the honoree's shoulders with it and bellow, "Arise Sir Touchdown!"
The Najeh Davenport: Let me caution, this can be done only when one is a member of a visiting team that holds a legitimate AND extreme grievance — like having been mocked for a lack of PlayStation 2 abilities. Once the goal line has been broken, jog over and stand on the other team's logo. Squat down, resting the forearms just above the knees and push the ball between the thighs until it, uh, plops out the back. Then, be prepared to fight.