Pro-Bowlers featured on Man vs. Beast 2
By Asim Akhtar
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
LOS ANGELES (sPERTS.net) -- After premiering last year to a record audience, Man vs. Beast will return to the air and feature not only bloodthirsty animals, but also select members from the 2004 AFC and NFC Pro-Bowl teams.
"Since most of the pro-bowlers are not in the Super Bowl, we decided to give fans what they really wanted to see," said Frank Nguyen of FOX Television. “Cats vs. Pats? Come on -- who wants to see Ty Law on Steve Smith, when you can have Jonathon Ogden trying to block a 400 pound gorilla!”
Man vs. Beast will be taken to an even more idiotic level in Man vs. Beast 2. In one event, Kansas City return specialist Dante Hall will attempt to return a kick against a team of wild jaguars.
“It’s no big deal,” said Hall. “I’ve already returned kicks against many NFL teams, I can do it against the Jaguars…wait, it’s not the Jacksonville Jaguars…what the…?”
The second event is sure to be a sight for sore eyes, as the Ravens' Ray Lewis will attempt to tackle a rhino on a simple sweep route. “This isn’t anything new,” remarked this years defensive MVP, “ I’ve been nailing suckers since my days at the U (University of Miami), so bring on the rhino, What time is it…GAME TIME…any dogs in the house…woof woof!”
Right before the night’s main event, fans will be treated to Willie Roaf, offensive lineman for the Kansas City Chiefs, in a head-to-head eating contest against a starved elephant. However, instead of hot dogs, both competitors will eat as many footballs as possible. “I thought we was eating T-Bone steaks,” complained Roaf. “Footballs…what is wrong with you people…who booked me for this?”
Finally, in the featured match-up, NFL Co-MVP Steve McNair will attempt to outlast a 1600-pound water buffalo in a feat of toughness. Both “competitors” will be tied to a wooden post as Philadelphia Eagles’ fans will mercilessly pelt them with stones.
“Steve McNair will have to do for now,” said one Philly fan. “We’re so mad about the NFC title game, we’ll beat up on anyone, even a defenseless buffalo!”
“My strategy is meditation,” replied Carl the Buffalo in a recent press conference. “I’ve been trying out pilates and yoga at the local gym for a month now, I feel very limber. I’m going to need all of my strength to outlast McNair, now he’s tough.”
The World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) has spoken out once again against the cruel attempt to draw ratings. Unfortunately, they refused an interview with sPERTS reporters.
On a lighter note, Man vs. Beast 2 is set to premiere January 23rd at 8:00 EST on FOX.
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