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Joke Time!

Postby slowkidz » Tue Jan 14, 2003 8:07 pm

I got these and wanted to share the love...

Subject: the joy of flying

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please
place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children.... or
other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do
not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ...it
was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a
"Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
US Airways."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Postby Dazedncnfz » Tue Jan 14, 2003 8:35 pm

lol!!!........ even the 2nd time around! ;-D ;-D
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T.S. - "You don't have to love me, but you will [b]RESPECT[/b] me"
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Postby JayM09 » Tue Jan 14, 2003 10:18 pm

funny ;-D
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Re: Joke Time!

Postby cwebb » Wed Jan 15, 2003 6:09 am

Slowkidz wrote:Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


I really like this one! ;-D
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Postby kashikis » Wed Jan 15, 2003 8:21 am

Excellent, very funny!

hmmmmm...... Capt. Crash?! :-o
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No really, I'm not having a bad day.


What the hell.... is goin' on.... in the NFL?!
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Postby cwebb » Wed Jan 15, 2003 9:56 am

Capt. Crash is a good one, too, and I don't even want to comment on the last one! %-6
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Postby fntsyrookie » Wed Jan 15, 2003 10:29 am

Pretty funny. :-)
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Postby Homeless » Wed Jan 15, 2003 7:11 pm

haha ;-D
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