1. Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince from the magical land of Nantucket who had a trusty broadsword so large that...
2. And then the Frog said to Princess Elspeth, "What, no tongue?"
3. So party of the first part and the party of the second part lived happily -- and legally -- ever after.
4. The wicked surrogate mother convinced the biological parents to leave the frozen embryos in the forest, where she planned to conduct stem-cell research on them.
5. Cinderella then demanded, "Dude, where's my coach?"
6. In the lawsuit, Goldilocks accused the three bears of negligence, claiming that their having left the scalding-hot porridge where it could easily be stolen led directly to her third-degree tongue burns.
7. "Yes, Your Highness, it's a very nice slipper -- but do you have something with a higher heel?"
8. "Not by the hair of my crotchety-crotch-crotch!"
9. Sleeping Beauty awoke from her 100-year-slumber, sat up and told the prince, "Dude, that NyQuil sh*t is AWESOME."
10. ...and that night, after the princess told him she was going to have his child, the prince put out to sea, vowing never to return.
11. And after the prince did slay the mighty dragon, knights from the far-away land called PETA did hound him the rest of his days.
12. "Hey, Mr. Building Inspector," shouted the little pig, "if you got a problem with my straw architecture, you can just blow me."
13. Then Mama Bear said, "SOMEBODY has been using my... umm... magical vibrating wand -- and the batteries are all dead!"