Browns Attempt at Rebuilding Results in 6-10 Record
Despite Butch Davis' spin that everything is fine in Brownie land, it is readily apparent that the Browns have little chance of matching their 9-7 record of last season. Free agent losses, inadequate backups, a quarterback controversy, overweight, undisciplined defensive linemen, micro-fracture knee surgery, and the upcoming signature Browns' draft strategy - all the right ingredients needed for a promising 6-10 season.
Below you will find the official BrownsHater.com predictions of the Browns' 2003-2004 season:
Week 1 - Browns vs. Colts
Tim Couch's long lost half-brother Peyton Manning throws for 300+ yards on the Browns depleted defense. Marvin Harrison catches 2 TDs and Edgerrin James returns to old form with a 100+ yards rushing. Colts win 24-10.
Week 2 - Browns vs. Ravens
What should be a heated rivalry is nothing more than a battle of mediocrity. Prepare for Corey Fuller to reveal how much he hates the Browns and how they will be going home this week. In an ironic twist, Ravens knife-wielding, loudmouth Ray Lewis crushes Tim Couch with a sack that leaves him with both a concussion and a broken leg, keeping him off the field indefinitely. Kelly Holcomb doesn't have enough to get the job done. Ravens win 14-13.
Week 3 - Browns vs. 49ers
Tim Couch wanders incoherently out of the Baltimore hospital he was being treated in and has gone A.W.O.L from the team. The Browns are unable to overcome the emotion of losing their quarterback and can't muster much of a defense to stop Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens. 49ers win 33-10. Tim Couch reportedly sited on Alcatraz Island.
Week 4 - Bengals vs. Browns
Who cares! Browns win 28-10.
Week 5 - Browns vs. Steelers (Sunday Night - ESPN)
Browns pre-game energy quickly disappears when they realize that Pittsburgh doesn't lose (too many) prime-time home games (especially against the Browns). Baltimore's Corey Fuller reveals that he still hates the Steelers and reiterates that they will be going home next weekend. Holcomb throws for 400+ yards and Willie Green rushes 25 times for 30 yards. Browns pathetic defense blows halftime lead. Steelers fans site Tim Couch on Monongahela incline. Steelers win 36-33.
Week 6 - Raiders vs. Browns
Raiders owner Al Davis attempts to cancel the game after discovering that it won't be sold out. Despite his effort, the game goes on and the Raiders deliver the Browns their worst defeat of the season. Raiders win 44-3.
Week 7 - Chargers vs. Browns
Chargers still reeling after losing long-time leader Junior Seau. Tim Couch's long lost half-cousin Drew Brees delights Browns fans by throwing 3 interceptions. Browns win decisively 33-14.
Week 8 - Browns vs. Patriots
Patriots 13 draft picks still aren't enough to make them playoff contenders and the Browns squeak by this one-hit wonder. Tim couch reportedly suffers a broken leg and concussion after tripping and falling while walking along Boston's Freedom Trail. Other vacationers cheer and laugh as the teary-eyed Couch is carted away in an ambulance. Browns win 28-24.
Week 9 - Bye
Tim Couch allegedly sited at OSU Halloween party dressed as a male UK Wildcat cheerleader. Showing off to the boisterous, cheering crowd he attempts a double herkie only to fall to the ground, breaking his leg and suffering a severe concussion. He is admitted to a Cleveland hospital where he later escapes and is seen boarding a plane to Kansas City.
Week 10 - Browns vs. Chiefs
For one game the Browns defense steps up and figures out how to stop the AFC's top passer and rusher - Trent Green and Priest Holmes. In another battle of mediocrity, the Browns are refreshed from their week off and win for the third time in a row. Tim Couch is arrested when he's caught panhandling in front of the American Jazz Museum playing a trumpet. Browns win 21-10.
Week 11 - Cardinals vs. Browns
The Browns continue their winning ways against non-division opponents. Jeff Blake and Emmitt Smith can't get it done. The Browns suck but Arizona isn't much better. Browns win 14-3.
Week 12 - Steelers vs. Browns
Browns fans begin talking playoffs after 4 straight wins and a 5-5 record. But they still can't figure out how to beat the Steelers. Tommy Maddox leads his 5th straight comeback win against the Browns. Browns fans cheer when Joey Porter knocks Kelly Holcomb out of the game. Willie Green fumbles what would have been the go-ahead touchdown with minutes left. Steelers win 27-24.
Week 13 - Browns vs. Seahawks
Browns streak of defeating non-division opponents ends when they travel to Seattle. Down to their third string quarterback, Josh Booty, the Browns offense struggles to move the ball. They are held to 2 field goals in a crushing defeat to Seattle. Tim Couch sited attempting to jump from the Space Needle. Seattle wins 21-6.
Week 14 - Rams vs. Browns
The Browns finally get that Monday night game they've been waiting for. Before this season, their last Monday night appearance was a 20-3 drubbing by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1995. In similar fashion, the Greatest Show on Turf delivers the knockout punch that will prevent the Browns from postseason play. Marshall Faulk totals an ungodly number of yards on the Browns disastrous defense. Rams win 34-21.
Week 15 - Browns vs. Denver
The Drive, The Fumble, and now The Penalty. The Browns take a slim lead into the fourth quarter at Invesco Field. In true Browns fashion, the unthinkable happens when Holcomb's go-ahead touchdown pass to Dennis Northcutt is called back after Butch Davis is seen giving the banned "throat slash" to Mike Shanahan. The Browns can't regroup and time runs out. Tim Couch reportedly suffers a broken leg and concussion while skiing a double black diamond at Telluride. Broncos win 28-24.
Week 16 - Ravens vs. Browns
The Ravens need a win to make it to the postseason and the Browns were never good spoilers. The Browns appear to be leading a comeback early in the fourth quarter but the game is cancelled after unruly Browns fans jump on the field and attack the referees. Ray Lewis pulls a switchblade from his sock and proceeds to stab the Browns fans. In a post-game interview, Corey Fuller is quoted as saying that he left Cleveland because he hated the fans. Ravens win 23-10.
Week 17 - Browns vs. Bengals
In a dramatic comeback, Tim Couch returns to the team and leads the team to victory over the lowly Bengals in the final game of the season. Neither team has much to play for other than bragging rights as to who is the better team in Ohio. On the final play of the game, Couch scores on a quarterback sneak. He spikes the ball which then takes an unfortunate bounce striking him in the head resulting in a concussion. As he's carted off of the field on a stretcher, the wheels lock up and he's thrown to the ground breaking his leg. In his post-game press conference Couch tearfully admits that although he has enjoyed traveling around the country this past season, his playing days are over. He can no longer play for the Browns as he too has become a BrownsHater!!!
Oh yeah, if it matters, Browns win 21-17.
So, there you have it. The high expectations of the team and fans alike result in nothing more than an eventful season of off-the-field antics and on-field disappointment. Despite their favorite team finishing 6-10, Cleveland fans rejoice in knowing that they have provided NFL fans around the world something to laugh at.
It's a great day to be a BrownsHater!