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Redneck Etiquette

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Redneck Etiquette

Postby slowkidz » Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:23 pm

Just some of the rules that I've learned while living in BFE, Indiana these last 7 months.....(geesh i can't believe its bee that long...)

Just when you think you've heard it all.


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.

5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.



DINING OUT



1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



THEATER ETIQUETTE



1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.



WEDDINGS



1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Postby Homeless » Mon Jun 30, 2003 12:56 pm

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


LOL Any good redneck would have beer in his truck :-)
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Postby terpfan » Mon Jun 30, 2003 1:49 pm

u have learned alot slow... u gonna send timmmaaay a copy of this? :-B
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Postby Poobah » Mon Jun 30, 2003 3:32 pm

The advice column forgot one of the most important tips:

When urinating in a guest's sink, it is considered polite to take the dirty dishes out of it first :-C
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Re: Redneck Etiquette

Postby DieHardCubbie » Tue Jul 01, 2003 12:53 am

Slowkidz wrote:2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago...."


HEY! how did you know how me and my wife met???

Homeless wrote:Quote:
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.


LOL Any good redneck would have beer in his truck


YEP thats called preparation!

LOL Slow..funny stuff... :-B
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Postby VIPER » Tue Jul 01, 2003 3:19 am

LOL. Funny stuff Slow.
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Postby cwebb » Tue Jul 01, 2003 5:42 am

;-D

Poobah, how did you find out about that sink stuff? :-o
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Postby kashikis » Tue Jul 01, 2003 11:32 am

cwebb that information is probably more than we want to or should know
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Postby Poobah » Tue Jul 01, 2003 12:59 pm

cwebb, I have spent my whole life in the state known as The Old Dominion, and grew up in the Capital of the Confederacy. Lemme tell you, I have seen a fair number of rednecks, but also some good ol' boys.

You know how to tell the difference between rednecks and good ol' boys. A good ol' boy raises livestock. A redneck gets emotionally involved....

;-D
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Postby t-love » Tue Jul 01, 2003 5:35 pm

What they should teach you in school........
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